Property Damage
by Kagaseo
Summary: Zelretch, bored to death, decides to cause mischief. As a result, the Grail calls upon seven of the most overpowered Servants the Throne of Heroes has in store. In the not so grim darkness of the current present… there can only be property damage. And crazy aliens.
1. The wizard who did it

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Fate/Stay Night. I don't own WH40K. Thanks Slayer End for betaing.

* * *

**Chapter One:**

**The Wizard who did it**

Zelretch, also known as_ 'The Kaleidoscope'_ or _'the wizard who did it'_, was bored.

No, bored wasn't enough. He was utterly, completely, and _horrifically_ bored. Tired of seeing the same realities over and over, he was seriously in need of enjoyment. Perhaps messing with a world would give him a sliver of excitement?

Oh, wait… Perhaps, if he messed with the summoning of the Servants of one reality…

Zelretch grinned mischievously. The Masters of the Fifth Holy Grail War were going to be in for a nasty surprise.

* * *

When Ilya brought Berserker to her grandpa, he was sorely disappointed. Certainly, this Berserker wasn't Heracles.

An eight foot tall man, clad in a scary crimson armor fond of skull symbols, leaving only the left arm and strands of greyish hair exposed, Berserker was wielding two weapons. A sort of gun with the right, and an axe-shaped chainsaw with the left – he never talked, never answered questions… and in fact, Ilya wondered if the Mad Enhancement was truly working or not.

Her grandpa scolded her, going into rage. They had gone through such _troubles_ to secure the necessary components to summon the legendary Greek hero. He told Ilya she was a useless piece of junk, just like her father was. That she was a shame to the Einzbern family.

It was at this moment Berserker chopped his head off with the aforementioned chainsaw.

Then he started killing the homunculi tasked to ensure the dead man's safety… then the magi working for him… THEN the chimera they kept as familiars. He finished by setting the entire place on fire.

All while chanting: "Maim! Kill! Burn!"

When he was over, he deposed a dozen severed heads before the shocked Ilya, "Blood… for the blood god!" he roared with rage in his voice, "SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!"

Most people would feel horrified by the madman's reactions, even if the Einzbern were mostly arrogant, self-centered assholes. Most would be terrified by his idea of a gift, and try getting away from him as fast as they could before the killing machine decided to go on a another rampage.

Ilya just found her Servant to be effing awesome.

* * *

Kirei Kotomine had seen Alexander summoning armies, a golden king convinced the world belonged to him, a black knight able to turn machine guns into Noble Phantasms, but God, he had never seen that kind of Servant.

It appeared Bazett had botched the summoning _spectacularly_.

"How good of you," the creature spoke with an emotionless, mechanical voice, "To have brought me this gift. Terran sorceresses of this particular breed are so rare nowadays, and one was needed for my Terra collection. How fortunate I am to have such a well-meaning Master."

The… Servant… was a robot. Kirei Kotomine, unlike most magi, was aware of the concept due to his dealings with the modern world, and this creature was obviously a sentient machine. Its form was close to a humanoid skeleton, whose components were either grey or blue. Its eyes were shining with green light and it was wearing a black cape of what appeared to be a steel-based material. It was carrying a very advanced looking device that appeared to be some kind of pointed staff-spear.

"Ah, I am sorry if my appearance frightens you," the machine said, "It is true that we Necron have been at war for countless eons with other species, but have no fear. I have no interest in conquest, only in rarity. Hopefully, your gift is the proof we can reach a common understanding. However, I would suggest stunning specimens next time. This one is damaged."

Kotomine had no idea what a Necron was, and contented himself with a glance at Bazett, bleeding at his foot, stabbed in the back. "I still need to recover her Command Spells," he pointed out. "Is that possible?"

"I do not mind, as long as she can stay functional," the robot replied, locking eyes with Kirei. "If I may ask, do you happen to have a male Archibald as well? I have always been looking forward to completing my set."

* * *

"What are you doing?" Kuzuki asked out of genuine curiosity over the sorcerer's work.

"I am telling the laws of physics to shut up and obey," the armored man explained softly as space itself was torn apart under the moonlight. "This inferior body in which I am confined limits my tremendous cosmic power to an extent you cannot grasp. At my peak, I could summon armies and reshape the fabric of the universe itself… but as I am now, I have to focus on spells I could normally complete with my eyes closed. Though full of opportunities, a second life is a truly terrible experience."

Kuzuki himself only roughly understood the situation. He had rescued this man as he was dying alone, begging for help. In spite of his strange appearance and name, 'Caster', the former assassin had obliged, nursing him back to health and accepting his offer of partnership.

And here the sorcerer was, casting spells with his long black staff. The mage was wearing black and blue armor, covered with black robes matching his impressive tallness. His face was hidden underneath a horned, white helmet and the exposed eyes were shining with a blue glow.

"Hopefully… this Holy Grail will be worth the humiliation," Caster spoke with a deep voice, as he finished calling upon powers Kuzuki did not understand. "I will summon Rubric Marines to protect you. If you could give me a plan of the city, it would work excellently to elaborate a strategy. If everything goes just as planned, this war will be over before it even begins. The Grail shall be ours to seize. Then a god I shall become!"

"Whatever you want," the killer shrugged.

* * *

"Oh, you summoned a Rider, Sakura," Zouken Matou noted, as the dust settled. "And it appears to be an elf."

Sakura Matou squirmed, doubting her grandfather's assessment. The man in front of her certainly was _not_ a pure creature of the forest.

The man was dressed in long, flowing robes of silver, barely hiding the black armor underneath. His face was pale and gaunt, his hair was jet black, and his eyes were two pits of darkness radiating with cruelty. The thin smile over his face was nothing short of demonic. "Congratulation, Human Mistress, on summoning our Lord and freeing him of She Who Thirsts. Your victory is assured, and my thanks eternal."

She was aware the Servant's words were instantly translated from his native language into Japanese, but they still sounded strange. Elves were rumored to be tricksters, so could he have been speaking in riddles?

"Meh, nothing impressive," Shinji sneered distastefully. Knowing Sakura's Servant would become his, he had secretly hoped for a woman to satisfy his darkest fantasies, or without that, a powerful warrior. This one appeared weak. "I shouldn't be surprised Sakura summoned a fairy-"

Rider's hand raised and smashed Shinji's face, throwing him to the ground and shattering his jaw. Before Sakura could even blink, the Servant's iron boot trampled upon her brother's skull, pinning it the ground. Zouken merrily raised an eyebrow, vaguely amused.

"You have no idea who you are speaking to, is it not, barbarian creature?" The warrior sneered. "I am the master. I am the one that all bow to and call Lord. I am the vanquisher of worlds, the destroyer of dreams, and the creator of nightmares. I am the pirate king, the renegade prince. I am all these things and more, for I am Asdrubael Vect and all the warriors of the Black Heart are mine to command. And _you_," Rider's smile grew, and his voice echoed with gleeful sadism, "_You are my __new __plaything_."

* * *

Rin's summoning not only destroyed a room, but her dignity as well.

She had hoped for a Saber, a great knight or samurai, and… the result was an utter catastrophe. Firstly, the Servant was everything but a swordsman and stood _twenty feet tall_. Secondly, he wasn't human. Thirdly, in two minutes, he had eaten all of the meat in the refrigerator. Fourthly, the translation spell apparently malfunctioned, for she had troubles understanding the creature.

"Orkz is made fer' two fings! Fightin', and winnin'!"

The creature was… some sort of oversized goblin armed to the teeth. In fact, the only part of flesh visible was his green head, with a third of the skull was replaced by metal. His entire body was clad in mismatched armor whose creator obviously did not understand the word 'practicality'. The left hand had been replaced by a giant claw, the right by a giant canon. What had replaced his sanity, however, remained a mystery.

"We is gonna stomp da Fuyuki flat and kill anyfink that fights back!" the creature roared with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

At least she had no difficulty understanding that much.

* * *

As Zouken Matou finished drawing the arrays on the ground, he wondered what had caused his world to go up in flames so quickly.

He had been proud of Sakura, when she had summoned such a ruthless and powerful creature. Elves were among the most powerful members of the fair folk, and dark elves were rumored to be masters of ancient and foul sorcery. The Matou had been content, seeing it as a good step toward winning the Grail War.

He had even allowed this Vect character to keep his worthless grandson to feed on his soul, and been happy with letting him act freely. In Zouken's mind, everything would go on perfectly.

This impression lasted until Rider decided he wanted a second plaything.

Zouken had been forced to flee his own house with his tail between his legs, pursued by faceless creatures the dark elf had summoned to work as his enforcers. The familiars he'd placed in Sakura were non-responsive, which meant either they had been removed or his granddaughter was dead. Both possibilities were equally bad.

Running out of options, Zouken had decided summoning a Servant would be his only recourse. He needed a protection against the dark elf, one a Saber could provide. Hopefully, this class hadn't been summoned. Unfortunately, he had sent worms to observe the other Servants.

It appeared the Grail had been corrupted beyond his even his worst calculations. The Eizbern's Berserker collected the skulls of people as trophies; Kotomine's Lancer was fond of stuffing magi; the Caster dabbled in demonology; Tohsaka's Archer was a monster, and completely insane.

If Zouken summoned a Servant himself, there was a high chance whatever beast Angra Mainyu made possible to summon would attack. He would need to use the Command Spells immediately.

The burned field of Fuyuki was a place with a strong connection to the Grail, allowing Zouken to summon a Servant without the material and catalysts Rider had confiscated. A red light filled the clearing, and a towering beast materialized. It easily overshadowed Zouken, who couldn't repress a feeling of awe before the terrifying monster.

It was reptilian in shape and appearance, with a white and violet carapace stretched over its limbs. It had a tail, a long horn, many eyes, and a predatory maw. Its four hands each wielded a black saber, radiating with power. But… it wasn't Saber. "On the Command Spell, Assas-"

Zouken never finished his sentence. His skull was bitten off by vicious fangs before he could blink.

While hissing, the creature feasted on the old magus and ate him whole. Worms attempted to flee, only for swiftly swinging blades to welcome them. The monster relished in the bloodshed as it destroyed Zouken's existence down to last insect.

The last thing the last of Zouken's worms saw was acid-filled intestines.

When it was finished eating, the monstrous creature, also known as Tyranid, finished analyzing the genetic material it had consumed. Memories, DNA, and prana were wholly assimilated by the creature, all for the sake of self-improvement.

The creature was confused. The connection with the Hive Mind was lost, and for the first time of its long, immemorial existence, the beast was alone. This disturbed it, frightened it. It was lost on an unknown planet without orders, without its specie, surrounded by prey and predator alike. No fleet answered its mental call.

The Tyranid was scared. Were its brethren too far away? Were they… _gone?_

It looked into its newest prey's genetic memory. It was primitive, inferior to the pure efficiency of the Tyranid, but it was useful. It learned about the land it was on, Fuyuki, and about the weapon the worms wanted to gain – _the __Grail_. It learned about the competition, the frightening entities having arrived to war on each other for power, glory and survival.

The Tyranid had fought some of them in the past… and been killed by one of them.

It analyzed and planned. This Grail superweapon could allow for it to return to the Hive Mind and end its loneliness. But, the Tyranid needed a human partner to win… and it had devoured the last one. It had to be corrected, but the other partners were taken and protected.

The Tyranid had to make its own partner.

Searching into the genetic material again, the creature found the data of two potential 'Masters': Its latest prey, and another that had been devoured. The bioform "Zouken Matou" was weak and decayed, and the way it mistreated its own progeny meant it would be a bad addition to the hive. The other lifeform "Kariya Matou" had been devoured by worms in the previous war, and its genetic material had been preserved.

The more the Tyranid learned about this _Kariya_ breed, the more pleased it became. He had shown surprising resilience and resistance to pain, finished third in the last competition, and died for the greater good of his progeny. This mindset pleased the Tyranid, who decided the _Kariya_ breed would strengthen the swarm.

The Tyranid went on to find material. It wasn't born to produce, but its new 'Noble Phantasm' function would certainly solve the problem.

… being a giant predator from outer space had its perks.

* * *

Shirou was having a bad week.

His bad week started when he crossed paths with a rather _creepy_ little girl who, upon seeing him, had given a wicked grin. "I hope Khorne will let me keep your skull," she'd said cheerfully before leaving him be.

Sakura, meanwhile, had been behaving strangely. After he had brought her home, some creep named Rider had intercepted them, pretending to be Sakura's bodyguard… and wearing an armor. His kohai's desperate attempts at explaining what was happening were… _dubious_, to say the least.

Shinji hadn't been seen in school for days, and while Sakura pretended he was abroad, the frightened glint in her eyes tipped him off. Shirou was seriously beginning to wonder if something bad had happened in the Matou household.

Then, after staying late at school to repair furniture, he was drawn outside by the sound of shootings and Gatling. When he arrived in the courtyard, it was to witness a giant goblin pitted in mortal combat against the freaking Terminator.

… With a staff.

Shirou briefly wondered if he had lost his mind until the Terminator noticed him. Then he realized maybe he was going to lose his life. Unfortunately, he was right, and the killer robot profusely apologized before piercing his heart with its bare hands.

Shirou awakened later, his heart repaired. On his way home, he tried to convince himself he had dreamt it all… and then the Terminator ambushed him in his kitchen, before cornering him outside.

"Please, stop resisting," the robot said with an emotionless, inhuman voice. "Your regenerative abilities and resilience are nothing short of outstanding and must be preserved. I will simply stun and harvest you. Freeing you from the tyranny of the flesh is an honor, not a punishment."

"G-get away!" Shirou stuttered, his back against a wall, "Leave me alone!"

"I am afraid this is not a possibility. It would too much of a waste." The creature sighed and raised its staff. "Why are you living nearly always such a bother to deal with?"

"NO!"

The wall behind him exploded, and a flash of light illuminated the courtyard. The robot backed up quickly, dodging the swing of a long and fiery blade.

"Back off, Necron!" a powerful voice resonated, each and every word echoing with pure power, "I shall not suffer seeing you threaten my Master!"

"The Corpse-Emperor?" The machine did not appear threatened; through its monotone the machine exuded a sense somewhere between surprise and amusement. "I see. The power of this Grail is indeed tremendous." It glanced briefly at the terrified Shirou, before leaping above the wall and vanishing into the night. "You are worthy of my collection. I will come for you both later."

Shirou stayed motionless a few seconds, until he mustered the courage to glance behind him.

"Are you fine?" the tallest man Shirou had ever seen asked, holding a gaze full of naught but kindness. He was clad in a golden armor covered with bird imagery with his left gauntlet's fingers being replaced by long claws. His right hand was wielding a fiery blade, shining with the light of the sun itself.

As for the one exposed area of his body, his face, it was a stern, yet eerily beautiful visage. He had long black hair and his eyes were burning white flames. A crown of golden laurel circled his forehead, a sign of the man's station and authority.

Shirou could only offer a shy nod, muted by this being's presence. The man smiled kindly.

"Fear not, Master. The Emperor protects."

* * *

**A/N: **I said I would add a crossover, so readers could be entertained while waiting for new chapters of 'What it takes to win'. Here we go.

A few of the Warhammer 40K's rules/abilities will have to be adapted to the Nasuverse's physics, so some abilities won't work _exactly_ as they do in Warhammer (mostly psychic powers versus resistance to magecraft). The alterations will be minor, and necessary to blend both universes together. I hope you understand.

I would like to remind readers that, while the Emperor IS the strongest Servant that could be summoned in the war... he has the really incompetent Shirou as Master.

... Space Marine Shirou, anyone?

Would you kindly add a review?


	2. There will be brawl

Thank you guys for the warm reception to this story. Here is the second chapter of _Property Damage_.

Thanks Slayer End for betaing.

* * *

**There will be brawl**

Kirei Kotomine was growing too old for this.

On the one hand, as he explained the situation to this Shirou Emiya, Kirei was quietly happy to see the son of his old archenemy participating, although he was disappointed to not be able to personally cross paths with Kiritsugu again. At least the son seemed as warped as the father.

On the other hand, if the images he had seen through Lancer's eyes were truthful, then this Grail War was going to be a pain to hide from the outside world. _Hopefully, the Association won't try to investigate too deeply…_

"Come on, you can say it," Rin growled. "I know you're dying to say it."

"Say what?" the priest raised an eyebrow in genuine surprise.

"'Congratulations, Rin, you summoned a troll as Servant, your father would be so proud of you! Oh, and you botched the translation spell, which never happened in history!' Something along these lines."

"Oh, that?" Kotomine shrugged. "You could have summoned an alien monster instead, or a golden king with an oversized ego. Don't blame yourself. Compared to the competition, your Servant is strictly little league in the ridiculous department."

"… _asshole_!"

"Well, with Saber summoned and Emiya ready to participate, the Fifth Holy Grail War can truly begin," Kotomine told them. "Now, get out of my Church before your Servants start killing each other."

The two Masters raised their eyebrows, blanched, and quickly made an exit from the place, the priest closing the doors behind them. "Seriously… Angra Mainyu will pay for this…"

"Kirei," Gilgamesh's voice reached his ears, the golden king entering through the Church's backdoor. "Get rid of the Lancer."

Kotomine turned around and sighed. "Why should I? He is an excellent addition to our forces, and pretty respectful. I thought you would get along-"

"_Get rid of him I said_!" the golden Archer complained, as the machine followed him, noting things in what appeared to be an advanced notepad. "He has been stalking me like this since he saw me! This is getting disturbing!"

"Ah, Master," the robot saluted the priest. "I am truly, deeply impressed. It is so very rare to discover another of my own kind that appreciates collection, therefore to find understanding amongst a member of another race is nothing short of a revelation."

"Oh?" Kotomine raised an eyebrow. "What is the matter?"

"I examined your collection of mummified human children, which, while well-preserved, is strictly lacking in variety. I decided to appreciate your other artifacts, and, if some are worth conserving, most are of bad quality. I wondered if you were only a beginner in the collecting field… and then I met this jewel."

The robot's voice echoed with respect. "How did you manage to perfectly preserve the last Sumerian god-king? This is… an incredibly unique specimen in the galaxy. I thought it was dead, to be honest. It must have taken centuries to tame it into obedience."

Gilgamesh blanched, and then reddened in rage. "The king is not a _pet_!"

"Of course, of course. Keep telling yourself that."

* * *

The Emperor of Mankind, conqueror of a thousand worlds and protector of billions of souls, was deeply struggling to keep his cool.

"If you're Saber, then does that mean Yarrick is gonna be Berserker?" the Ork asked. "Or Caster? Rider? _Something_? Hey! Hey, you deaf? HEY!"

"Xeno…" the man hissed. "The only reason I have not killed you _yet _for what you did on Armageddon is the temporary truce between our Masters. If you continue to try speaking to me, I will have no choice but to violate it sooner than I thought." Being near a church only angered him even more, having fought for centuries to destroy all faith.

"Yeah, yeah, got it, but when is Yarrick gonna show up? He's the one human I wanna fight again. Gotta get my rematch with him."

"Commissar Yarrick died happy purging the galaxy of your putrid presence," the Emperor replied angrily. "If the Grail has mercy, he will be left to rest in peace, and I will finish what he started."

"If the Grail isn't junk, Yarrick will be back!" The Ork grinned. "The only human who knows how to fight! And who _wants _to fight me."

"You destroyed his home and massacred his men, of _course_ he wanted to kill you."

"Hey, I gotta motivate him!" The creature glanced sideways, as the two Masters exited the church. "Hey, little chump, your Servant is a stuck-up ass. I hope you're different."

Rin's eyes widened drastically. "Archer, you can talk Japanese?"

"Ah, yeah I can. I speak it fine too!"

"That's… not really true…" Tohsaka Rin scowled angrily. "Then why didn't you speak it at first?"

"'Cause Ork language is better," the creature scratched his metal head. "Wait, you can't speak Ork? That's strange… I thought you were smart enough to."

"Uh… thanks for saving me, Tohsaka," Shirou cut in, before the female magus could retort anything to her Servant's barely hidden insult. "So, what do we do now?"

Saber stated the simple solution. "I kill the Ork while you and Tohsaka get out of our firing range."

"YEAH!" Archer raised his arm-cannon. "FIGHTIN'!"

"Hey, wait!" Shirou complained. "There is no need to kill each other!"

"One day Master, you will understand that a good alien is a dead alien," Saber replied, readying his shining sword. "Prepare to die, Xeno!"

As the two Servants prepared to come to blows, a cheerful laugh resonated through the hill. The four individuals glanced at its source, which Shirou recognized as the strange little girl he came across previously. She was grinning madly, and had traded her former purple clothes for a red trench coat… with skull motifs badly painted on it.

"It seems the competition isn't as tough as I thought it would be," the girl chuckled wickedly.

"A spawn of Chaos," Saber growled, shielding the two humans with his body. "Behind me!"

"It won't save them… Khorne will not be denied!" The girl raised her hand. "In the name of Ilyasviel von Einzbern, Berserker, bring me their skulls!"

At her call, a giant in red armor materialized behind her, wielding a pistol and… a chainsaw-axe. "CORPSE-EMPEROR!" He shouted madly upon noticing Saber, activating his chainsaw and charging. "YOUR SKULL SHALL BE MY GREATEST TROPHY!"

"YEAH! CHOPPA! I WANT IT BAD!" Archer pointed his cannon at the newest foe, and started firing. Meanwhile, Saber charged as well, raising his weapon.

As the first explosions started, Shirou and Rin wisely ran away from the melee as fast as they could.

* * *

The fight quickly moved to the nearby graveyard, which was already a mess the second the Servants got there.

"MAIM!" The chainaxe hit the ground, the mere aftershock pushing the Emperor back. The Berserker's strength had been increased by the Mad Enhancement, and his strikes were as powerful as a dreadnought's. "KILL! BURN!"

As Khârn the Betrayer, Berserker of Khorne, raised his weapon and attempted a vertical strike, his moves as fast as lightning, Saber parried with his golden sword, holding it with one hand. The powerful attack forced the swordsman to his knees, but left his other arm free to pound the madman's skull. Berserker was thrown backward, and the Emperor attempted to bring him down with a deadly psychic attack.

It failed miserably, as the Berserker shrugged it off without even trying. "KHORNE IS WITH ME!" He roared. "MY MIND IS REFINED STE-"

A gravestone hit his helmet, silencing him.

"You may be protected from psychic powers," Saber snorted, making a dozen gravestones levitate with his mind, "_Everything else_, however…"

"You golden piece of-" A gravestone impacted his on torso, then another, then a third, until the Berserker regained his balance and shattered the next projected with his axe. "FIGHT LIKE A MAN!"

"Go Berserker!" Ilyasviel von Einzbern cheered on the sidelines. "_Kick his ass_!"

"Ya wanna die?" The Ork shouted, before starting an incantation. _"AN' DERE AIN'T NO SUCH FING AS ENUFF DAKKA! Enuff'z more than ya got an' less than too much an' there ain't no such fing as too much dakka!"_

His Noble Phantasm activated, Archer's hands turned into big, _big _multiple barrel firearms.

"_NEVER ENUFF DAKKA!"_

And they opened fire in a loud, _loud _melody of bullets and explosions, followed by the frenzied Ork's joyous roars.

As the graveyard turned into a no man's land, Saber summoned a psychic forcefield to protect himself, the bullets stopping within an inch of his head. Meanwhile, after a full volley to the face, Berserker wisely used his chainaxe as an improvised shield, rage boiling in his veins. Archer obviously compensated his lack of accuracy with more bullets, shooting everything on sight. Briefly, Saber thought Berserker's Master would be shot, weakening her Servant enough for the swordsman to defeat.

Until Shirou Emiya jumped in and tackled her to the ground, saving her life from a lost bullet.

Such an act of blind idiocy almost made Saber drop his psychic protection. What madness possessed the boy was beyond him, and Shirou's following words made it worse. "You're okay?"

"Euh…" If Ilyasviel's expression was of any indication, she was just as shocked as Saber himself. "Thanks…"

Meanwhile, an explosion's noise snapped Saber from his trance. Berserker had hit Archer with a well-aimed pistol shot to the nose, which only served to make the Ork madder. "Time to kill you guys!" Berserker declared, raising his ax, _"No matter the slaughter of billions, no matter the destruction of a thousand worlds, Gorechild is never satisfied! Blood for the blood god! SKULLS… FOR THE SKULL THRONE!"_

The chainaxe produced a deep, demonic noise, and shook with pure power. Upon seeing this, Saber seized his sword with both hands and decided to unleash his own Noble Phantasm. _"There are no gods, only ideals! There is no faith, only reason! There are no miracles, only the achievements of man! There is nothing as the impossible, only the possible! This is my truth! The Imperial Truth!"_

The sword was surrounded by golden flames, becoming a living sun. Saber raised it, and roared.

At this point, three Servants charged, their weapons ready for slaughter and carnage. A Berserker wielding a weapon charged with unholy power; an Archer fighting with the biggest guns on the planet; a Saber whose sword embodied determination itself. Those who watched clearly thought it was going to be the most awesome brawl ever witnessed…

Until a laser beam was shot in the middle of the melee, forcing the different Servants to take a step back.

"You loud worms are my fragile, noble sleep," a dark man sneered from atop a tombstone, wielding a long pistol. "Let the superior specie enjoy its rebirth in peace, mindless monkeys."

"DARK ELDAR BITCH!" Berserker fumed, his weapons raised. "Khorne will piss on your corpse!"

"Rider," the Emperor narrowed his eyes. Shirou blinked, upon recognizing Sakura's _'bodyguard'_. "You have deigned to show your face, pirate… or should I say, Asdrubael Vect?"

"Your racket forced me to, golden eyesore," Rider sneered and glanced into the darkness. "It appears I was not the only one. Get out of your hiding spot, parasite, before I claim your skin as my new blanket."

Shirou watched at the same direction, and blinked. The ground changed color, revealing the shape of a monstrous creature. It was some kind of saurian, with each of its four arms wielding a blade. "W-what is it?" the magus asked, amazed.

"Assassin, a Tyranid," the Emperor explained. "The Swarmlord, to be precise, the member of an alien race born to destroy and exterminate…"

"Dat woz before me Waaagh! got 'em!" Archer growled, pointing his canon at the creature. "Now, we is da wuns doin' da _'sterminating_!"

The alien apparently understood the Ork's insult, and hissed dangerously, adopting a threatening stance. Both Rider and Berserker tensed, ready to attack any time.

A blue light filled the graveyard, catching everyone off-guard. A man in armor materialized, carrying a long black staff with one hand, and a pistol with the other. "I could not believe my senses when I sensed your psychic presence, False Emperor!" the man announced, pointing his staff at Saber. "I will finish Horus' sacred work and torch your soul to ashes. You shall die, for Prospero!"

"And you shall burn in the flames of my wrath, spawn of Chaos!" the Emperor boasted back.

"Caster!" Berserker roared. "Out of my way, _pussy__!_ Let the true men fight the true fights and bleed the good blood, or suffer the wrath of _KHARN__!"_

"Silence, Betrayer!" Caster pointed his pistol at the insane warrior. "Or your next word shall be your last!"

As every Servant readied their weapons, glaring at each other as if playing a western movie, Shirou doubted he would live past the next minutes. If three Servants were enough to destroy the entire area, a battle between six of them would be lethal for anything caught in the crossfire. The teen thought it couldn't possibly get worse.

At least, until the seventh Servant showed up.

"Tonight is not the night we shall end this war," the terminator spoke, as it stepped into the grave as well, carrying its spear. "Separation would be wiser."

"This is not your battle, Necron," Caster threatened angrily, his eyes shining with an unholy blue light. "Get lost or you shall fall as well!" Assassin glared at the machine as well, its hiss growing in intensity.

"I am Trazyn the Infinite, the Keeper of History. I was old when the ancestors of your kind were nothing but mindless bacteria. I witnessed the fall of empires, the death of stars, and wars beyond your primitive understanding. Before me, you are but a name on a tombstone, Ahzek Ahriman, and your threats dust in the winds of the cosmos."

"If you know who I am, then you should prepare for your destruction at my hands," the warlock shot back. "I will tear you apart with the power of the true gods!"

"Pitiful creatures," Rider sneered with arrogance. "Your powers are no match for any of us."

The machine snorted and glanced at each and every Servant. "Ahzek Ahriman, sorcerer of Chaos; the Swarmlord, champion of the Tyranid; Asdrubael Vect, Archon of the Dark Eldar; Khârn the Betrayer; Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka, the Beast of Armageddon; and the God-Emperor of Mankind. The seven of us are the greatest legends of the forty thousandth millennium, gathered for one single purpose… completely, mindless, unnecessary conflict. But the powers letting us fight have decided this should be kept a secret. A battle between us all at the same time would attract too much attention and cause too much damage."

"… and?" Vect was genuinely confused. "Where would be the problem?"

A short silence followed, quickly broken by Berserker. "ATTACK-"

"_Berserker,"_ Ilyasviel ordered, with cold, authoritarian voice. "We are going home."

"_AFTER _I KILL THEM FIRST!"

"Khorne wants worthy skulls, and right now, I see none of them," the girl snorted, before turning back and leaving. "I will let you kill them when they show what they're made off."

"_What did ya say?_" Obviously, the Ork's grammar fluctuated in quality when angered.

"Since when has Khorne decayed to the point of letting little girls command his warriors?" Caster mocked, drawing Khârn's undiluted aggression upon him.

Berserker almost took the bait, but too bad for him, Ilya was faster. "On the Command Spell, _drop it_!" she ordered, the powerful magecraft causing the Servant's body to betray him and follow his little Master. "We'll kill him later."

"NO!" Khârn complained loudly, unable to resist, before deciding to spend his last words on threats. "When I come back, you're the first I'm gonna rip apart, sorcerer!" the madman loudly promised upon leaving. "Next time we meet, _I will feed you __your own intestines_!"

Assassin growled one last time and vanished into the night. "Be silent next night, monkeys," Vect announced, leaving with aristocratic grace.

Ahriman glared at Saber one last time, dematerializing the next second. "This is not over," he promised ominously. "I will come for you, Corpse-Emperor… and I shall see you pay for what you did to my home."

"I hope to harvest you in our next encounter," Trazyn the Infinite told the group politely, as he teleported away in a green flash. "Good evening."

"Thankfully, none of my sons has been summoned," Saber noted. "I would not have supported killing one of my children." _Again_.

Rin finally got out of her hiding spot, and noticed her Servant seemed… depressed. The bloodthirsty creature had lost his enthusiasm. "What is it, Archer?"

"One-Eye Yarrick is not here!" he complained. "Yar Grail is _junk_!"

* * *

**A/N: **for the last reviews, yes, the Emperor IS the most powerful Servant and has the most powerful NP around... but it doesn't mean he's guaranteed to win. To put it mildly... all Servants have at least one EX-ranked NP.

For the slogan 'the Emperor protects', I think after spending ten thousand years listening to it while on the Golden Throne, the Emperor must have memorized it to heart.

Would you kindly review? Do it and you'll see Gil being mocked by Kotomine and Lancer!

**Edit: **for the songs/incantation for the NP... it's Warhammer 40K. It can't be Warhammer 40K without awesome creeds and boasts.


	3. Culture Clash

For the reviews: the Servants separated because half didn't want to fight in the first place (Rider just wanted to be tranquil; Assassin was doing recon; Lancer was sent by Kotomine to divide them), and the others briefly lost the will to fight (Archer, due to learning Yorrick wouldn't participate; Caster realizing he would better bid his time; Berserker being forcefully dragged away).

Thanks Slayer End for betaing.

* * *

**Culture Clash**

"Human Mistress, the racket is over," Rider told Sakura politely, upon returning home. "However, from now on, you shall stay here until the petty war is over."

"But I have to meet senpai and get to school!" She protested. "Your men are already making it difficult to walk in my own house!" The girl glared accusingly at the two black men following her. They were each wearing skull-shaped masks and wielding long, two-handed swords. Nothing but their eyes could be seen under their armor of dark metal, and each of their movement showed decades of experience in the art of killing.

"They're Incubi bodyguards. If they were to lose sight of you, they would be punished severely. There are enemies everywhere, and while the competition consists of a bunch of inferior creatures, these are remarkably dangerous and threatening." A masked servant arrived to hand over two glasses full of wine to Rider and his Master. Sakura took it carefully, which resulted in a reprimand from her Servant. "The Human Mistress must drink. As much as my homunculi have gotten her rid of her impurities, the pain must still be present. The human mistress must enjoy the pleasures life has to offer."

Sakura shuddered upon remember her brief moment in the hands of Rider's 'medics'. They had extracted the worms from her flesh in a matter of minutes with extreme skill, true, but that didn't change that they were creepy. Since she couldn't understand their language, with the exception of Rider, their spontaneous chuckles and laughs were _especially_ disturbing, "And… what about grandfather?"

"He adopted an excellent strategy: he ran away from me." Rider drank his wine. "The human mistress will be happy to learn that her courtesan has summoned a Servant of his own."

"C-C-Courtesan?" Sakura blushed, "What do you mean?"

"The ugly human monkey she calls 'senpai' and wants to call in her bed. Has our Lord misunderstood your relationship?" he asked as Sakura reddened even more. "Is he a slave then?"

"No, he's…" Sakura intertwined her fingers, "My senior." Shirou, a Master? Impossible!

"A mentor? Our Lord had one back in the old days, before he backstabbed him with a dagger and took his belongings as his own. Then he did something to the corpse the Human Mistress is too young to hear." Rider put his hand on her shoulder. "I can have him die in a 'tragic accident' if the human mistress wishes to take his post."

"NO!" If Rider wanted to kill Shirou, he would never stand a chance. "I… I like, like him, and don't want him to die."

Rider stayed silent an instant, and then showed he had completely misunderstood the situation. "So the human mistress plans to steal his position and _then _turn him into a slave? This is surprisingly devious. Our Lord is impressed."

"So you won't touch him?"

"No. However, if he attempts to hurt the human mistress, I will have to discipline him." One of the masked warriors said something, and Vect let loose a cheerful laugh, "Mistress," he said to her, "Did you know a human can survive without skin?"

"Euh… no…"

"Well, your brother does now."

* * *

"Why did we retreat?" Berserker complained loudly, as he and his Master returned to the castle. "Blood was going to flow!"

"Isn't Khorne supposed to spare the skulls of the unworthy?" Ilya replied, confused. "Honestly, these Servants were weak! Shouldn't we just ignore them as long as we know what they're made of?"

"Khorne doesn't care whose blood is shed, as long as it flows, flows, FLOWS!" Berserker snapped. "You still have a long way to go to understand his mighty bloodlust, Master!"

Ilya scratched the back of her head. Ever since Berserker had introduced to the worship of Khorne, the god of rage and bloodlust, her life had become never-ending bliss. She fondly remembered her first skull, or when Khârn had slaughtered a pack of wolves just to prove he could. Such memories were a treasure.

And then there was her brother. "Berserker…" she trailed off. "Does Khorne allow his followers to keep pets?"

"Khorne likes dogs. Especially rabid, man-killing hounds. And kittens with razor-sharp claws. Oh, and there is this one rabbit, in particular-"

"Nah, I mean, a human pet? A slave."

"Khorne doesn't give a shit, as long as you bring him trophies!" Berserker crossed his arms. "Back to the important matters! You denied me the skull of the false-emperor! I WANT COMPENSATION!"

"I thought about it… so I prepared you a little gift!" She snapped her fingers, and eleven, identical axe-wielding homunculi appeared, ready for battle.

Berserker stayed stood briefly, "What is it? WHAT IS IT?"

"My own special killing homunculi! Born to kill and fight… and all yours!" As Berserker did not answer, Ilya raised an eyebrow. "Khârn? You don't like them?"

"I think I just had a bloorgasm here…"

* * *

When Caster returned to his temple, he found his Master occupied writing on his desk. "What is it?" the sorcerer asked.

"The exams of my class," Kuzuki replied. "I have to correct them."

Ah, yes. His Master was a teacher. Caster could respect the profession as spreading knowledge was a holy duty. "Tell me," he asked, "What convinced you to go on this path?"

"I thought you could read minds? Perhaps I misunderstood?"

"You did not, but I respect your privacy. From what I understood from our conversations, you used to be an assassin – trained killer. What made you decide to become a teacher once you were over with your previous work?"

"I simply tried to find meaning and joy in my life." The man shrugged. "Preventing children from turning out as empty as myself appeared to be a good path. What troubles you?"

Perceptive, wasn't he? Caster guessed it would make him a good ally if they were forced into a fight against the other teams. "The Servants summoned are more dangerous than I imagined. One ordered my former home burned down, another kills sorcerers as a hobby. The rest of them are not even human."

"Vampires? Undead? Ogres?" Kuzuki asked, his tone betraying a hint of genuine curiosity, "We are in Japan, so this would be nothing out of the extraordinary."

"Nothing of the sort: a Dark Eldar, a Tyranid, a Necron, and an Ork."

"You lost me."

"Dark Eldars are a species of pirates. They abduct humans and feed on their souls through tortures to extend their lifespan… although most of the time they do it purely for the entertainment." Caster sat on the desk. "Tyranid are alien locusts that go from world to world, devouring everything they can consume. Necron are machines, the remnants of a race long extinct. They seek nothing more than the annihilation of life. Yet, they pale before the mindless savagery of Orks."

Caster snorted.

"Orks are brutish creatures born to kill and ravage everything that we humans hold precious. They smash, stamp, and burn everything. Who knows what kind of wanton destruction the Ork Servant must be unleashing as we speak…"

* * *

"Oh… oh…" Archer was possessed by the sheer beauty he had in front of him. "Is it… is it?"

"YES!" Taiga Fujimura grinned. "The best bike ever! It belonged to Kiritsugu back in the time, but it was too impractical for me to use… so I painted it red instead in my spare time!"

"I want it! I WANT IT BAD!"

"Why isn't she noticing the fact Archer is, well, twenty feet tall and _green_?" Tohsaka blinked.

"I am currently altering her perception of the outside world," Saber told them, standing at Shirou's side. "She sees the Xeno as a normal human, and does not perceive my armor. She will not bother asking questions, either."

"You're messing with her mind?" Shirou blanched. "That's…"

"Master, may I remind you the alternative was to have her killed?" Saber shrugged. "You still have a long path ahead of you to understand how this world works."

"He's right, Emiya," Tohsaka whispered, "Look, let's make a truce, would you? We don't fight each other, and instead focus on eliminating the rest, who seem _much _more likely to kill civilians – _especially _Berserker and his Master."

"As much as I hate to say it, it would be sensible," Saber advised his Master. "The Ork _will _pay for his crimes, but the rest of the competition is far more threatening."

"I don't see why we should kill off one another!" Shirou complained.

Saber glanced at him strangely, which the teen found a hundred times more disturbing than all of Berserker's frothing rage. "We only have to kill the Servants," the swordsman said calmly, "However, the Masters may be tainted by their Servant, as you have seen with Berserker's Master, and I pity Caster's owner. Executing them might be necessary."

Both Shirou and Rin winced. The former because it clashed with his ideals, the latter because it was an implied threat, "We'll just have to fight after everyone else is out of the way," Tohsaka suggested.

"I am fine with it," Saber replied coolly.

"And promise to give it back!" Taiga told Archer, as he jumped on the bike and revved it.

"After I burn the road with it first," Archer replied, catching the surprised Rin with one hand and escaping into the wilderness, the bike roaring like a lion, "I'M A ROADFUCKING BIKERZ!" the Ork laughed maniacally, the wheels _catching fire out of nowhere._

"But… but… it makes no sense at all!" Shirou ground his jaw, "He's twenty feet tall! How can he ride with the wheels?! It makes no sense!"

"It makes sense to the Ork," Saber snorted. "Orks can defy logic itself through subconscious psychic powers. And this one was the single most powerful specimen his race produced. Being turned into a Servant probably increased his abilities."

"Well, if you and your new friend have nothing else to do, I'm going to sleep," Taiga said, returning to the house. "Don't forget to wake me up to prepare breakfast!"

Shirou rolled his eyes, perfectly aware not only would she not wake, but he would have to make the breakfast himself. "Master-" Saber began.

"Call me Shirou," the teen replied. "Master… it feels distant."

Saber raised an eyebrow. "I see. Then, Shirou, we must have a discussion about the war. I am afraid to admit I have two problems: I am too strong, and you are too weak."

The teen's jaw dropped at the blunt statement. "You have understood the explanation this Tohsaka gave you on Noble Phantasms?" The boy nodded. "I have three. _Imperial Truth_, which you have seen in action; _Exterminatus_; and _the Golden Throne_. Imperial Truth is the only one I can rely on."

"Why?"

"Exterminatus, at maximal power, would destroy the Earth. At minimal power, it would still burn the Eastern Hemisphere to ashes." Shirou's jaw dropped. "As you can guess, I would be loath to win at the cost of the destruction of our beloved home."

"How can you destroy a _hemisphere_?"

"Repeated orbital bombardments," the Emperor inhaled sharply, "This was done so many times in my name it has become one of my Noble Phantasms."

The information chilled Shirou to the bone, but he focused on the important matter. "But… But… What about the others?"

"The Golden Throne would allow me to win single-handedly, but I would have to forfeit my life, and the psychic energy I would release would kill both you and the entire population of this city." The admission caused him to pause briefly, "Normally, my natural power and phenomenal psychic abilities would allow me to crush any opposition without these Noble Phantasms… but then there is your problem."

"I am an incompetent magus," Shirou guessed.

"Exactly. You can hardly support me, meaning I have to redirect most of my psychic powers into willing myself into existence. In other words, I am terribly weakened. I am still vastly superior to the other competitors, but their most powerful Noble Phantasms could potentially kill me... and unlike us, they will have no qualm about destroying the city or the entire planet to win."

"But-"

"Rider, Archer, and Assassin led armies that ravaged entire systems. Lancer only cares about his collection and the average human is the same thing as a flea to him. Caster and Berserker worship demons." Saber frowned. "As you are friendly with Rider's Master, as I saw in your thoughts, we may deal with them more easily than others… but we will have to be extremely careful."

"Sakura would never cause troubles," Shirou replied with weakening confidence. "Saber, why don't you leave? You could find a better Master than me. You can find one that does not prevent you from winning."

"I will win, Shirou. Simply not as fast as I could." Saber smiled. "The Grail assigns to a Master the Servant he is the closest to. Which means I was meant to meet you. And I will discover why."

* * *

"That was slow, but good," Archer commented, petting the bike as he placed it near the door of Rin's home. "Nice to see she painted it red."

Rin, still completely confused by the hellish ride, frowned. "Why? You like the color?"

"Red is faster," Archer explained proudly. "Painting red increases the speed. Everyone knows that."

"But… But that's wrong! Colors have nothing to do with speed!"

"Then why do _you_ wear red?"

"Because…" Rin closed her mouth, "On a second thought, I give up. You're right. Completely utterly right."

"Yeah, I am!" The Ork laughed, having missed Tohsaka's sarcasm. "It took Orks centuries of study to prove it!"

"Er… by the way, I wanted to ask… Who is that _Yorrick_ you keep rambling on about?" Rin asked, as they entered the mansion. The creature was forced to go in spirit form not to destroy the walls, which was quite bothering.

"The toughest human I ever fought. I miss him." The Ork laughed, fondly remembering his (obviously twisted and overly emotional) memories of the man. "He fought like an Ork and could shoot laser beams with his eye."

"Was he a friend?" Rin trailed off.

"A friend? What's that?"

Rin took a time to answer, "Your equal. Someone you want to feel happy and who makes you happy in return."

"I ain't got any equal, but yeah we had a happy time fighting. Although it took the destruction of his city to make him want to make me happy on the battlefield, which made me happy. Before I was one-sided in my generosity," He seemed genuinely surprised by Rin's horrified face. "What? The city was ugly. When I was done redecorating it was a nice, beautiful junkyard!"

* * *

Kariya Makiri-Matou came back to life among ordure and giant aliens.

His new Servant, Assassin, had cloned him from its own flesh, through an ability it probably gained from the Grail. The creature had shaped a lair out of the city's sewers, as the previous war's Caster did once upon a time.

The walls were covered with alien flesh and design. The Assassin, or Swarmlord, as Kariya received the information in his mind, had attempted to mimic the interior of one of his species' ship, with mixed results. While Kariya found the ensemble extremely disturbing, the Tyranid felt warm inside.

It was difficult to adapt to the psychic link with the creature. However, the revived magus found it useful: through the link, Assassin had informed him Sakura still lived, although she was probably a captive of Rider. It gave Kariya a greater degree of control and companionship than he ever had with Lancelot.

On the other hand, the magus could feel Assassin's influence in his mind. He was swarmed with information about its kind. He saw hellish visions of devoured planets. He felt the creature's craving for companionship and loneliness.

All in all, Assassin was just a lost puppy from outer space.

* * *

"As asked, I convinced the other Servants to split up," Lancer explained calmly to his Master, who was laughing out loud. "Is there a problem?"

"Oh no," Kirei's smile widened as Gilgamesh entered the Church's main hall, "Nothing at all."

The golden king, under normal circumstances, would have guessed the priest's smile was a harbinger of doom, but he was too lost in his joy to notice, "So Saber has come, at last?" Gilgamesh smiled. "The crown jewel of my collection!"

"I am sorry to say that Saber will be part of mine," Lancer countered, causing Gilgamesh to frown.

"You can dream, you scrap." The king crossed his arms and an all-knowing smirk on the face, "You'll see. I'm going to make my offer of marriage, and then Saber shall be mine!"

"I am sorry to say the Emperor of Mankind never married, and according to my information, may very well have died a virgin," Lancer said, "It is speculated to be the source of his psychic powers, in fact."

_Three, two, one, _Kirei counted.

"Well, that's…" Gilgamesh shut his mouth, as he understood the situation. "Do… do you imply… that the Saber that was summoned… isn't _my _Saber?" The golden Archer smiled compulsively, his face twitching. "That's it?"

"Yes," the priest confirmed. "Do not be surprised. If you had wanted to marry me, I would have run away too. This is perfectly understandable she would let another participate in her stead, simply to avoid you."

Kotomine _deeply _enjoyed the perfect, magnificent expression of pain and suffering that flashed across Gilgamesh's face, as he realized his beloved property had been replaced by a male Servant. "He appears to be a king in gold," the priest added salt on the wound. "Obviously, someone stole your title."

Gilgamesh stayed motionless an instant. Then he seethed with rage.

"I'M GONNA KILL HIM!"

As the golden Archer stormed through the Church's gates, Lancer glanced at his amused Master. "You do realize he is going to be crushed under Saber's foot?"

"Yes," Kotomine chuckled, "It makes it all the better."

* * *

_**Servant of the Day**_

_**PS: it's the Emperor**_

**Spirit:** The Emperor of Mankind, also known as the God-Emperor or Corpse-Emperor by his enemies

**Class:** Saber

**Master:** Shirou Emiya

**Alignment:** Lawful Good (often misunderstood as Lawful Neutral)

**Strength:** A

**Mana:** EX

**Endurance**: B

**Luck:** A

**Agility:** B

**N. Phantasm:** EX

* * *

_**Class Skills:**_

- Magic Resistance, A+: it is safe to say only the strongest of sorcery can harm the Emperor.

- Riding, B: most vehicles can be rid with above average skills.

_**Personal skills:**_

- Imperial Privilege, EX: as the pinnacle of humanity, the Emperor possesses a vast array of skills including Military Tactics, Battle Continuation, Instinct, Eye of the Mind (False), Charisma…

- Psyker, A+++ (true rank EX): the Emperor's psychic might is nothing short of divine. However, his Master's incompetence forces him to will his own current existence into existence, reducing his potential.

- Divinity, B: the God Emperor was deified as a god by billions, and as such, became a gestalt deity. However, his militant atheism and hate of all gods reduced the rank.

* * *

**Noble Phantasms:**

- Imperial Truth A+, Anti-Unit: the will of the Imperium embodied as a sword, constantly radiating with light. Any individual blessed by daemonic powers loses a rank in every statistics upon being in its presence.

- Exterminatus, EX, Anti-Planet: summons a fleet of warships from outer space, which promptly destroys the hemisphere where the Servant is located, while miraculously avoiding Saber's location. At full power, the entire planet can be destroyed.

- Golden Throne, EX, Anti-God: Upon sitting on it, the God-Emperor forfeits his life, but his psychic powers are tremendously increased. No enemy shall be beyond his wrath. Not even gods.

* * *

**Description:**

The God-Emperor of Mankind, founder of a galaxy-sized empire that lasted for millennia. With his psychic power, sitting on the Golden Throne, he struggled to protect mankind from a dark, sinister galaxy, and especially from themselves, while slowly dying from the wounds inflicted by his renegade son Horus. When the Golden Throne failed, the God-Emperor used the last of his mental strength to fight the dreaded Chaos Gods one last time, crippling the threat they presented at the cost of his life.

* * *

**A/N: **when Servants come from civilizations like the Dark Eldar or Ork empires, they are bound to have misunderstandings with their masters.

Next chapter will elaborate the stories of the Servants and show bonding between the different teams. And then everything goes to hell.

Would you kindly review? It takes you a few seconds and makes me update faster!


	4. Bad Dreams

Here comes the time when the war goes horribly wrong.

For the reviews: the Emperor is different from the Horus Heresy era because after spending ten thousand years imprisoned watching your life's work falling apart, he couldn't help but meditate on his mistakes; the characters of Dawn of War will have a cameo eventually.

**Disclaimer:** thanks Slayer End for betaing.

* * *

_**Bad Dreams**_

_The world was chaos._

_Mindless, destructive strife. Disunion and discord. Conflicts born of faith, nationality, pride, and grief. The gods fed on the hate and the despair and the hope and the pain. The coldness of space was filled with the sounds of screams and fighting._

_But a man had a vision._

_At the command of legions, followed by trillions, he counted not the life of men but planets. From the chaos, he forged order and unity. Saber saw the truth through the illusions, the silent subtle dangers that preyed on mankind. On the corpses of millions, the Imperium was built to bring everlasting peace and security and to destroy faith and superstition – to bring enlightenment to mankind._

_Yet, as Saber continued to focus on the future he envisioned past the mist of time, he remained blind to the present, neglecting his sons. They misunderstood distance for distrust. Good intentions for tyranny. Blind to their fears and hopes, Saber alienated them._

_For the Emperor of Mankind was born to be a leader… and a poor father._

_And the dark gods laughed in triumph._

"I… I dreamt of you," Shirou admitted while having breakfast with Saber. The Servant was still wielding his golden armor, and was eating rice with extreme elegance. "You can make yourself comfortable."

"Shirou, I must be ready for battle at any time," Saber shot back. "In fact, as a conceptual existence, I do not need to eat, breathe, or even sleep."

The teen raised an eyebrow, "Then… why are you eating breakfast?"

"Because, after spending the last ten thousand years imprisoned and motionless, I have come to miss small pleasures such as this… and your food is wonderful," holding up the rice, Saber locked eyes with Shirou. His gaze alone was enough to disturb the teen. "The dreams you have were my memories. A Master experiences his Servant's previous life, as the bond grows. What did you see?"

"I saw… an empire… and your sons, I think." Shirou squirmed when Saber's expression worsened. "Were… were you truly a conqueror?"

"I did not keep count of the people under my rule, Shirou. I counted the planets." Saber sighed. "At this exact moment, there exists another me living in Turkey, studying a harmful species called the Dead Apostle – my past self. Progressively, I will forge my legend and become a ruler. I am not a hero of the past, Shirou, but a hero of the very distant future. As are the rest of the Servants present. I will be called the Emperor of Mankind, but in this era, I am a nameless individual."

"But… this Trazyn spoke of the forty thousandth millennium… this would mean-"

"I am nearly fifty thousand years old. I have become so old my memory is sometimes faulty." Saber smiled at Shirou's surprise. "I was born with exceptional powers and lifespan. Why and how… I still have yet to find out. Perhaps I was the result of an experiment. Perhaps I am a unique mutant. I cannot say. I do not know the beginning of my story, but I know the end."

"Your sons…"

"I was once told the greater the man, the greater the mistakes. Some of mine were more spectacular than others," Saber sighed, "If this Grail can truly grant any wish, it will allow me to rewrite my past. As you can guess, I committed terrible crimes for the greater good. I hope to erase them."

Shirou, upon seeing the man's sadness, briefly doubted himself. Could he truly prevent this man from gaining the Grail? Sure it would involve fighting, but… if this gave Saber the means to have a better life… "You said the Emperor protects."

"I actually never uttered that sentence in my previous life… yet people used it so many times I guess it has become a part of who I am. I am not a god, Shirou. The gods crave for worship and misery, and opposing them whenever we can is necessary. I was worshipped against my will. My mission has always been to protect mankind from threats, and I _will _fulfill it." Saber inhaled sharply. "What is your wish, Shirou?"

"I've none."

"Lies. The Grail wouldn't have chosen you if you didn't have one."

Shirou took his breath. "I want to be a superhero."

The Emperor raised an eyebrow. "You have no idea what awaits you, correct?"

* * *

_Archer hadn't always been a boss._

_Once upon a time, he had been mere cannon fodder in armies of thousands. This lasted until part of his skull was shot. By who was a mystery, although considering the Orks' less than stellar aiming, there was a high chance the one responsible came from his own camp._

_After suffering extensive, primitive, and very brutal surgery, part of Archer's brain was replaced by metal. It awakened something inside him. He could hear and see the Ork gods themselves, and they revealed him their design: pure, endless conquest and war._

_Archer's rise was meteoritic. From cannon fodder, to Warboss, to _the _Warboss. The Ork left his home planet commanding an army he himself lost the count of. After a long, dangerous journey through space and beyond, the gigantic host reached the planet they would later call heaven, the Hive World Armageddon._

_At that time, Archer wasn't an Ork anymore. He was THE Ork._

_He was Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka._

When Rin awakened, she quickly noticed something was very wrong.

She couldn't sense Archer.

"What is that idiotic moron doing?" she wondered, as she descended to her main room in a dressing gown. Shrugging and deciding not to waste a Command Spell, she turned on the television, briefly wondering what kind of idiotic excuse Kotomine had cooked up to cover the destruction of the graveyard-

"Hello Saber, Rider, Assassin, Lancer, Caster and I forgot the name of the last one! I'm Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka, Prophet of the Waaagh! I'm gonna blow you up!"

Rin's jaw dropped, as her servant appeared on the daily news, the anchormen hiding in the background. The Ork was taking nearly all the screen, equipped with heavy weaponry. "You hear me?! I'm the meanest, toughest Ork, ever! I've come to conquer the planet and I ain't gonna be denied! Then I'm going to use the Grail to drop the moon on the planet, so I will be thrown across space by the aftershock and conquer the universe next!"

The Ork was saying all of that_ on __national television__._

"First, I'm going to take over Fuyuki city! I will hit you so hard there will be a lot of scraps when I'm done! The Grail will be mine, 'cause I'm an Ork and ORKS ARE MADE FOR FIGHTIN' AND WINNIN'!" The level in his voice increased with each word, until the walls behind him started shaking. Then the creature shot at the camera.

While the young magus was paralyzed before the screen for an endless minute, Archer reappeared at her side. "Hey, Rin, did you see? I passed on tv!"

_"Archer…_" Rin trailed off, still immobile._ "What have you done?"_ Her life and the secrecy of the entire war was utterly ruined!

"Well, the others said we couldn't fight because we were being discreet."

"… yes?"

"And now that we are not discreet, we can fight."

The Tohsaka slowly massaged her temples. "I hate when things that don't make sense _make sense_."

"I beat you with LOGIC!"

* * *

_Once upon a time, Berserker was reasonable. Well, at least, he was not completely insane. And enemies did not flee him on sight._

_He used to be a loyal warrior, one that was the object of jokes from his superiors. That changed when he met Angron, the leader of his legion. The man had grown into isolation, angry at the Emperor for denying him the right to die with his soldiers, and refusing to accept his new legion as worthy of his attention._

_Berserker took it upon himself to make him change his mind. He received the trashing of his life for his trouble, but his determination earned Angron's respect. When he assumed his duties as Primarch of a new legion, Angron made Khârn his second-in-command. Few dared to criticize this choice, for the two had become true companions._

_It was anger and doubts that led him to Khorne. Anger at the Emperor's deluded hubris, and the doubts that his mission was truly the right one… Countless had lost everything thanks to his master's choices, and it slowly made Khârn realize that the Imperial Truth was no truth._

_The only truth was fighting, for the sake of fighting, and killing, for the sake of killing._

_Angron and Khârn rebelled against the Emperor, under the banner of the dreaded Warmaster Horus. The action cost Berserker his life. But Khorne, the one true god, impressed by Khârn's bloodlust and determination, breathed life into his body anew. The deity only said one sentence._

"_**Blood and skulls."**_

"Go Leonidas!" Khârn the Betrayer cheered while watching the TV, the still bloodied skulls of the homunculi around his belt. "Beat this Slaaneshi whore!"

"Slaaneshi whore?" Ilya asked, upon entering the room. She had woken up from her latest dream in surprise, and quickly dressed. As the day was cold, she was now wearing a red mantle and hat.

"Some effeminate weakling called Xerxes. Khorne's followers are going to beat up his entire army, three hundred against thousands! GO HEROES OF SPARTA! KHORNE IS WITH YOU!"

"Er… I'm sorry to interrupt, but we're going into town. We're going after Saber."

"YES!" Khârn jumped to his feet. "Nothing would make me happier than cutting his head off and attaching it to Gorechild! That or killing Caster."

"You will do both, but I want Saber's Master alive," Ilya coughed. "I wanna keep him as a pet… so don't kill him please."

"Do you mind if he loses a limb or two on his way there?" a pause, "And most of his blood?" he added as an afterthought.

"I can repair him."

"Then let's go kill everybody else!"

* * *

_From nobody to nightmare._

_This perfectly summed Rider's life. Born a slave in a decadent civilization, Vect was trained to die. Among the slavers and the hedonists, he was a new sacrifice among many._

_Then the fall happened._

_A great cataclysm of devastation – a divine punishment brought by the Eldar's own hubris and selfishness. Countless died, and madness took possession of the material world. Ironically, it was the destruction of his entire civilization that saved Rider this day._

_Among the ruins, Vect endured to survive. He led fellow survivors and killed any threats to his life, for he wanted not to die so badly he would see the world burn for ten more minutes of life. In his chaotic journey, he arrived in a dark city, untouched by the cataclysm. Upon setting his eyes upon it, the former slave swore it would be his, even if he had to wait for centuries._

_Vect would not be a slave any longer._

_He would be the master._

"We could use my Dais of Destruction to move faster," Rider suggested, as he followed Sakura in spirit form. "The roads are unworthy of our feet."

Sakura shook her head. "We need to hide the existence of the war from people," she said, repeating her grandfather's lessons. The two had been crossing the bridge, hoping to meet Shirou either at school or at his home.

"Why? I could take over the entire planet in two weeks if you allowed me to. The barbarians have yet to develop the crude technology and powers that made them so dangerous in the future. They can still be tamed." Rider snorted. "The human mistress must see the big picture."

Sakura decided not to answer. "You promise me; again, you won't hurt Shirou?"

"Our Lord promises he won't kill or castrate him. He might be tortured, however. My men will heal him afterward." Rider stopped walking. "Servant ahead, Human Mistress."

Sakura already guessed who it belonged to, when she came to face her, "Sister."

"Sakura," Rin replied, looking in a _very bad _mood. It worsened when she sensed Rider. "I… I should have known."

"If the Human Mistress pushes her sister from the bridge, our Lord could kill her Servant more easily," Rider whispered.

"I can't kill my own sister in broad daylight," Sakura replied, Rin too far away to understand the discussion.

Misunderstanding familial love for cold pragmatism, Vect taught her priceless Dark Eldar wisdom. "It will look like an accident. Cry next and nobody will suspect you. Tears always work with humans."

"Hey, Pirate." A gigantic creature materialized behind Rin, causing the nearby witnesses to scream in fear and surprise. "There is room for only _one _destroyer of planets in this solar system, and that's me! And I want your hat. It's cool."

"Archer, not in public!" Rin complained, horrified. "You can't fight in public!"

"Why _not_?" Archer asked, genuinely confused.

"Point taken," Rider replied, materializing much to Sakura's shock. "Time to make the world slightly less… _green_…"

* * *

_Assassin was unique._

_It had no idea why. It had no idea why it was the sole specimen of its breed. The Swarmlord was one with the Hive Mind, but while there were a million Lictors, there was only one Swarmlord. Perhaps he was a unique mutant, a random occurrence._

_The Swarmlord was a last resort. A special general and enforcer manifesting when the Hive Mind needed a new and inventive strategy. The Swarmlord was born to win for the greater good of the hive…_

_That was all there was in its skull: protect the swarm, devour the rest._

Walking through the street with his Servant following in spirit form, Kariya couldn't help but ponder how being alive was fucking awesome.

Well, not only being alive, but healthy as well. His rebirth had purged him of Zouken's worms, returning his hair to its old, original black color. True, he was nowhere near a good or even average magus, but Assassin didn't take as much prana as Lancelot. In fact, the creature seemed fine with the arrangement.

Having stolen purple clothes and hood, Kariya pondered how he would announce his return to Sakura. The girl would probably be surprised, horrified, and her adoptive uncle was repeating his explanation time and time again. Next, whether or not Sakura believed him, he would watch over her and make sure she survived the war.

And if Rider had dared to hurt her, Kariya would have Assassin eat him alive.

_Servant, _Assassin silently informed him through their mental link. Kariya readied at the strange alien contact, and glanced at the direction the reptilian monster indicated. Walking in the street right in front of him, Saber and his Master, a red-haired boy, were discussing something while disguised as civilians. Fortunately_, _Assassin's skills prevented them from noticing it.

Except then Saber stopped in the middle of the street, and glanced at the spot where Assassin stood.

Kariya's heart stopped beating. _Oh fuck, he can see it, _he realized in dread. The Tyranid felt threatened and prepared to attack. "Assassin, don't-" he started, but the creature had already materialized in the middle of the street.

In broad daylight.

* * *

Gilgamesh, king of heroes, as much as he hated to admit it, was disturbed.

The Lancer was stalking him, _out in the wide open_. The civilians were glancing at the robot with amazement, while one or two families asked to take a photo or two with the Necron. Trazyn politely accepted, while keeping an eye on Gilgamesh, "I am not a machine from outer space," he told them, "I am simply a hormonal male cosplaying teenager."

They brought it.

Gilgamesh had never experienced such a feeling of absolute disgust or sense of wrongness and existential dread, and that bothered him.

Necrons were soulless machines. They were an anathema for spiritual creatures. Gilgamesh himself, while having a body of blood and flesh, was spiritually closer to a Servant than a human, too much so that he could not help but feel disturbed by the machine's proximity. And unlike the other Servants, he hadn't learned to overcome this effect.

"Stop _stalking_ me!" the king ordered.

"Interesting," Lancer ignored him, writing on his notepad. "It appears the subject feels intense fear in the proximity of a Necron."

"ENOUGH!" Gil finally snapped. "GATE OF BABYLON!"

A dozen swords reduced the robots to scraps, causing the audience to shriek. As the remains vanished in light, Gil smirked, turned around, and continued his road.

Lancer was in front of him, writing _twice as fast_. "The subject is murderously violent when pushed too far," Trazyn observed, as Gilgamesh blanched. "I blame this on his primitive upbringing. Must warn Master as soon as feasibly possible."

"B-But… but…" Gilgamesh glanced at the spot where the first Trazyn had been standing. "The hell?"

"Oh, that?" Lancer shrugged, "It was a Trazynbot."

Something in Gilgamesh snapped. "You can _reproduce_?"

* * *

_Ironically for the follower of a god of change, Ahriman's greatest fear had always been change._

_Born with psychic powers and an appetite for knowledge, Ahriman served the second greatest sorcerer mankind ever produced behind the Emperor, Magnus the Red. A member of the Thousand Sons legion, Ahriman desired order and unity. He wanted to end the prejudice against psychic powers, and above all, he shared Magnus' dream of gathering and spreading knowledge. To enlighten the galaxy was his dream._

_Then the Emperor ordered his home, Prospero, burned down._

_The greatest haven of knowledge of the entire Imperium was destroyed this day. The work of countless lifetimes was brought to ashes. All upon the whims of the cursed Space Wolves Legion's superstitions that had poisoned the Emperor's mind. It was the same legion that destroyed Prospero, humiliating Ahriman and killing his most trusted friends. Magnus the Red was forced to surrender his very soul to the dark god Tzeentch to save his Thousand Sons, forever damning himself._

_The price had been terrifying: the Thousand Sons had been cursed with mutations, gaining wings and tentacles, feathers and scales. They were slowly turning into mindless beasts._

_Ahriman was terrified. He had lost a biological brother once to mutations, and he was afraid the same fate would befall his battle-brothers._

_And so the story of his fall began._

When Kuzuki entered the temple's courtyard, it was to see Caster chanting incantations before a house-sized pentagram. "What are you doing?"

"I am summoning a new Servant. I have done my research on the last wars, and there is an eighth class available. The Avenger Class," The magus focused on his staff. "I have already found a good individual to summon – An Avatar of Khaine."

"Who?"

"An Eldar demigod, a killer of heroes... the perfect counter to Saber, really. I would have summoned Warmaster Horus, but his soul was so utterly destroyed bringing him back is even beyond the Grail's power." Ahriman finished his spell. "Come, my slave! Khaine the Bloody-Handed, come forth! I claim your allegiance as mine! Answer my call!"

There was a lightning bolt, an explosion, and Kuzuki found himself staring at a giant of a man. The monster was nine feet tall, wearing a black armor covered with obvious trophies, skulls. The right hand was replaced by a gigantic claw, and he was carrying a gigantic blade with the right. His face was gaunt and twisted, oozing with malevolence.

"I am the Arch-fiend, the Despoiler of Worlds, and by my hands shall the false Emperor-"

"NOOOOO!" Ahriman screamed in shame. "AND FUCK!"

"What?" Kuzuki asked coolly.

"I summoned _Failbaddon the Harmless_!"

* * *

"Just as planned. Priceless."

Zelretch glanced at the one responsible of Caster's misery, the shapeless, cruel god of magic Tzeentch. "Why did you do that to your own champion?"

"Because a god's best jokes are on his followers."

* * *

**A/N: **and so, an Ork and a Tyranid revealed the war to the entire world.

... yeah, who didn't see it coming? They're warmongering aliens with no sense of subtlety beyond 'fight and kill'!

And yep, Lancer/Trazyn is Doctor Doom IN SPACE.


	5. There is no kill, only overkill

I've found a few comments on the story on Spacebattles, so I decided to clarify: one, the Failabaddon meme has a reasonable explanation in the story, considering not all of Chaos is happy with him as Warmaster (Erebus in particular). Second, Property Damage isn't really a serious story in mood and tone. Compare to the Ciaphas Cain novels: _apparently_ serious, humorous in tone with a lot of wacky moments (VARAN THE UNDEFEATABLE!). Except when Necrons are nearby.

Anyway, thanks MetalKing1417 for reporting this story on tv tropes, and thanks Slayer End for betaing.

* * *

_**There is no kill, only overkill**_

"GET OUT OF MY WAY!" Berserker roared, as his blue hummer squashed more than a few passerbys. You see, Berserker was driving not on the road, but on the _sidewalk_. Policemen attempted to correct him.

They were promptly shot.

Ilya fondly remembered how Khârn had 'acquired' this vehicle. She had complained about walking, causing Berserker to go to the nearest car, materialize, open the door forcefully and eject the previous owner. "This is the _Bersercar _now!" the Servant had told the driver, killing him next.

"Master, I think I'm repainting the car in red," Berserker noted, as blood was splattered on the vehicle. "They drive like crazy in this town!"

"I think you can add grey, with all the grey matter on the windshield," Ilya joked, causing the Master-Servant pair to engage in a good old-fashioned evil laugh. They were forced to stop, however, when they saw a giant reptile being thrown on a building by an enraged space autocrat from the future.

"Exactly what I was looking for!" Khârn readied his chainaxe, "VICTIMS!"

* * *

When Assassin materialized and charged, the Emperor's first action was to activate Imperial Truth. Putting himself between his Master and the wild beast, Saber effortlessly stopped the four blades of the Tyranid all at once.

Then he incinerated the creature with a thought.

While pyrokinesis wasn't the Emperor's specialty, Saber was more than proficient at its use. A pillar of flames formed underneath Assassin's feet, roasting the creature alive. As the monster roared, Saber glanced at Shirou. "Flee!" he ordered. "You will be caught in the crossfire if you stay!"

The teen hurriedly nodded, and glanced at the terrified passerby. "You heard him!" he shouted. "Get away, this is _not _a simulation! They're real killer aliens!" Shirou then proceeded to evacuate the citizens nearby.

The Emperor was silently proud of the boy, yet he focused back on the Tyranid. With another psychic pulse, Saber sent the creature to fly away with a telekinetic blast powerful enough to shatter a Dreadnought. Assassin lost its bone sabers, and _shrieked_.

Two of its arms turned into long whips, caught the ground, and allowed the beast to land safely. Its skin was already regenerating, much to Saber's surprise.

The Tyranid's two remaining arms adopted the shape of biological cannons and started firing acidic blasts at supersonic speed.

_I see! This is its Noble Phantasm: it can produce biological weapons developed by other Tyranids at will. _Raising his free arm, Saber launched powerful thunderbolts with his fingers. The electricity disintegrated the organic projectiles, hitting Assassin next. While it would have killed an Ork Warboss on the spot, the creature was barely stunned. Saber resisted the urge to groan. _It developed a resistance to psychic powers after my first attack, _he concluded.

The Tyranid jumped, its legs adhering to a building's surface, and started firing new acid shots from above. Summoning a psychic field around him, Saber charged and jumped, attempting a vertical strike of his blade. The creature dodged at the last second, developing alien wings out of its back and flying higher. Its four arms morphed into bulkier weapons, which the Emperor recognized as Rupture Cannons.

The flying Tyranid launched four salvos of oily seed-like projectiles, which Saber gracefully dodged by leaping on the roof of another building. The projectiles detonated upon contact with nearby walls, devastating the street.

Saber took his breath, verified if his Master had indeed left, and jumped once more.

This time he collided with the Tyranid. Both Servants crashed on a nearby skyscraper, went through it, and emerged on the other side. They ended up landing on the middle of the road, causing multiple car accidents. Not wasting any time, Saber raised his sword and prepared to kill Assassin.

The Tyranid, showing impressive agility, avoided the strike and retaliated with a swing of its tail. The Emperor grabbed it with his free hand, and threw the Swarmlord on a nearby car, which exploded upon contact.

Fortunately, the previous driver, having watched superheroes movies, had wisely exited the vehicle the second the two Servants had shown up.

The Tyranid emerged from the fire, having traded its weapons for four blades of bone, and snarled angrily. Saber spat and prepared to behead it.

Then an idiot interrupted them.

"The king has found you!" a blonde chuckled happily, glaring at the Emperor. "Ah, thief, you thought you could escape _me_? Gilgamesh! The strongest Servant?!"

Saber actually raised an eyebrow, and briefly exchanged a glance with Assassin, which was apparently as confused.

Then Saber and Assassin both ignored the newcomer and focused on killing one another.

The duel was closely matched. While the Swarmlord had the advantage of wielding more blades, the Emperor was a better swordsman and used his psychic powers to guess his opponent's strikes before they could threaten him. Unfortunately, the mysterious blonde idiot kept shouting nonsense.

"S-stop ignoring me, damn it…!" Gilgamesh complained loudly. "Gate of-"

A car hit him in the back, sending him to fly away. A familiar presence caused Assassin and Saber to briefly pause.

"CORPSE-EMPEROR! Khârn is back!" Berserker exited the car and charged, Ilya cheering on him from the sidelines. "Your skull belongs to me!"

Surprised, the two Servants only had the time to dodge a vertical strike from Berserker's chainaxe. The mere aftershock propelled Assassin away, and forced Saber on the defensive. Khârn ignored the Tyranid and focused solely on the Emperor, both Servants exchanging blows at incredible speed.

Assassin prepared to stab one of the two in the back, but Kariya mentally dissuaded it. _We must retreat, _the resurrected magus conveyed through telepathy. _We are attracting far too much attention._

The Tyranid countered that it was the perfect opportunity to kill a bunch of competitors, but Kariya was inflexible. _Sakura is our priority, _he insisted, and the alien beast relented, vanishing.

"Shirou!" Ilya shouted, ignoring the duel of the Servants. "Shirou, where are you? It's not polite to make a lady wait!"

"Ilya?" Shirou asked, exiting the street corner where he was hiding. While Saber had told him to flee, the superhero wannabe had discreetly followed his Servant after evacuating the passerby, hoping to be helpful. He had been forced to relent upon seeing just how outmatched he was. "What are you doing?"

"I'm watching my Servant beating up yours," she replied cheerfully, before grabbing his sleeve. "Neh, Shirou, thanks for saving my life."

"Euh… you're welcome."

"I've found the perfect way to thank you," the little lady grinned. "Shirou… would you like to be my slave?"

The Emiya blinked. "W-what?"

"I'm going to treat you nicely, dress you in red, and cuddle you!" Ilya smirked, hugging the surprised redhead. "You aren't going to disappoint me, right? Berserker _hates it_ when I am disappointed."

"I hate to interrupt such amusing moment," Kirei Kotomine's voice snapped them out of their uneasy embrace, the priest walking into sight, "But please, convince your Servants to stop. I will replace your Command Spells if you waste them, but you must inform them to cease and desist."

He pointed a finger at Saber and Berserker, who were freely destroying the street with powerful strikes. The Emperor was having the upper hand for the moment, forcing Khârn to keep him at bay with shots from his pistol.

"A contact of mine called me and said at least one video of Saber and Assassin beating each other has been published on the internet via camera phone," Kotomine explained, "As much as I appreciate fine and mindless destruction when I see it, it wouldn't matter if the Magus Association were to cancel the Grail War, is it not?"

"But I told Berserker I would let him fight!" Ilya complained.

"This is called lying, milady, it is sometimes effective," Kirei deadpanned, "Although twisting the truth is usually more entertaining."

Meanwhile, Khârn had grabbed a bus and proceeded to throw it at Saber. The Emperor deflected it with telekinesis, but in doing so allowed Khârn to close the gap between them. Gorechild impacted on the swordsman's armor, failed to break past it, and propelled Saber on a nearby shop. The building collapsed, and when the swordsman rose back to his feet, it was to lock weapons with his opponent once again.

Shirou and Ilya exchanged a worried glance. "On the Command Spell, stop!" they said in perfect synchronization, causing the surprised Servants to collapse.

"Oh by the Holy Virgin…" Kotomine mused, as he glanced at the ruined streets. "How am I supposed to explain that to the Association? And pay for the property damage?" He shrugged and glanced at the other Masters. "Mapo Tofu, anyone?"

* * *

"_Beg for mercy! Dais of Destruction!"_

A powerful shockwave caused Rin to back down a few feet. An immense, flying vehicle materialized around Rider and Sakura, floating above the bridge. It looked like a ship with wings, equipped with multiple cannons and a crew of masked men.

Meanwhile, Archer grabbed Rin and a hole opened in his armor's back. The magus was thrown into it, the gate closing behind. She found herself in small room sized cockpit equipped with screens and primitive computers. Chains instantly restrained her, preventing the girl from moving. "What?"

"Prepare for the flight!" Archer laughed wickedly.

Rider sat on a throne in the center of the vehicle. "Sit on my lap, human mistress," he commanded, the Matou reluctantly obeying, "The throne is the most protected part of my Dais. Plus my men are excellent meat shields."

The Dark Eldar crew readied the ship's weapons, and Vect raised his hand. "Open fire."

Sakura panicked. "Wait, don't-"

Unfortunately, the Servant's goons had already obeyed. Beams of black light were projected by the cannons, vaporizing the bridge in the blink of an eye. The Matou could only gasp, as the rock itself was vaporized. A Dark Eldar spoke something in his native tongue, which Rider happily translated. "He asks if the Human Mistress would like us to dry out the river and then carpet bomb it, to be sure. And if he can use the civilians as target practice."

"N-no!" Sakura shook her head. "Please… please stop this!"

"Not until Ork stops living," Vect replied, glancing down at the vaporized bridge. He blinked in genuine surprise.

Archer was flying _at _them. It should be impossible, until the Dark Eldar realized the Ork's boots were equipped with rockets. Primitive, impractical rockets, yet advanced enough to allow flight. "Higher," he ordered his crew, the Dais hovering.

"I'm Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka! I'm not an Ork! I am _the _Ork!" Archer chuckled. "Hey, Mork, can I launch a Krooz Missile at them?"

Rin blinked inside the cockpit. "You're speaking to me?"

"Stop messing with my mind, I know who you are! You're the Ork god Mork in disguise!"

Rin couldn't muster the strength to answer for an instant. "What?" she asked flatly at last.

"_Who else_ could have summoned me? I was confused at first, since you were small and didn't speak Ork, and then I realized you were trying to trick everyone as part of your cunning plan! So am I allowed to drop a Krooz Missile?"

Rin, deciding the more she argued with the creature the more insane she would become, agreed, although she had no idea what a Krooz Missile was. She immediately regretted her decision. "Then let's go!" Archer laughed maniacally. _"I'm da hand of Gork and Mork, dey sent me to crush and kill! Krooz Missile!"_

A rift in space opened in the skies…

A gigantic missile was falling on the city. It was so big Rin guessed it would probably wipe out Fuyuki from the maps. "The… _what's that_?"

"A Krooz Missile," Archer replied as a matter of fact. "I'm gonna drop it on the pirate, then there will be scraps! Lot of scraps!"

"Y-you're going to destroy the city if you do that!" Rin complained

"Nah, don't worry! If one of my Noble Phantasms kills hummies, then obviously they were enemies!"

Rider glanced absentmindedly at the projectile, and sneered. "Let me show you the unlimited power of the Eldar Empire." A black cube materialized inside his palm.

"_I can tame even black holes! Black Box!"_

Suddenly, a small hole in space opened right underneath the missile, absorbing it as if it was a sponge. Fuyuki trembled briefly, yet the hole closed up as fast as it appeared, alongside the gigantic projectile. Sakura's jaw dropped. "What happened?"

"I opened a localized black hole of which I can remotely control the gravity," Rider replied softly. "I could have sucked the city and Archer inside, but this would have caused our demise as well." He glanced at his crew. "Fire the anti-matter beams."

"My missile! You destroyed my Krooz Missile!" Archer was boiling with rage, closing up to his opponent's flying machine. "YOU BROKE MY MISSILE!"

It was at this moment he took a beam to the face.

The Ork shrugged it off in sheer rage.

Vect actually blinked in surprise. "Did he just survive an anti-matter beam at point blank range?"

"You are so dead!" A compartment of Archer's armor opened, revealing two miniature yellow missiles, "Krooz Missile, redux!" Thraka roared, firing them in quick succession. The Dais of Destruction skillfully dodged them, both projectiles falling into the sea. However, Archer used the opportunity to grab the flying machine to deviate its trajectory.

Much to Rin's horror, both Archer and the Dais crashed on the ground below. The cockpit absorbed the shock and explosion, and when it finally opened, Tohsaka was released and completely unharmed. "Sakura!" she shouted, exiting Archer's armor. The giant was mostly unharmed, but the flying device was wrecked, its crew scattered and defeated. Rin paled, and shouted harder. "SAKURA!"

"I'm here, sister!" Rin raised her eyes. Rider's throne and its occupants was floating above them, ignoring the laws of physics.

"The wise tyrant always keeps an anti-gravity field nearby," Rider whispered calmly, his throne landing a short distance away from Archer. Vect glanced at his wounded minions and sneered, "Incompetent idiots."

Gently positioning the terrified Sakura on the ground, the Servant rose from his throne, carrying a black staff. His expression twisted into a vicious, sadistic sneer. "It appears I will have to walk to defeat you. Prepare to die for this humiliation!"

"Bring it weakling!" Archer boasted, leaping forward, like a feral beast. Vect, much faster and agile, hit him in the face with his scepter before easily dodging the counterattack. The Ork attempted to smash him, only managing to destroy the road underneath his feet.

Sakura and Rin wisely escaped as fast as they could, the two sisters taking shelter a few meters away from the fighting. "Are you fine, sister?" the Matou asked, worried.

"Yeah… glad to see you're fine too," Tohsaka whispered, before glancing at the fight. While Archer was obviously stronger and bulkier, his weakest strikes demolishing the ground, Rider compensated with superior speed and agility.

It was an alien remake of David versus Goliath.

"We must stop this madness," Sakura whispered, as Archer grabbed a bloc of reinforced concrete and threw it at Rider. The agile Servant dodged, the projectile destroying a standard lamp nearby.

"Yes, this has gone too far." Rin raised her fist, "Sakura, now!"

"On the Command Spell!" both sisters shouted, "STOP!"

Rider and Archer collapsed in synchronization. Unfortunately, the Ork did it on a nearby house, destroying its walls. Sakura cringed loudly at the spectacle, "Oh my…"

"We need to run away," Rin said, "With luck, nobody will think we're linked to this-"

"Rin? Sakura?" a voice interrupted their argument, "Is that you?"

The sisters gasped, upon recognizing the man standing in front of them… and paled upon seeing the giant monster following him.

"Uncle Kariya?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Abaddon the Despoiler was pissed.

He, the once great conqueror of the cosmos, serial destroyer of worlds and most deadly thing to have roamed space, had been relegated to protecting a temple by one of his _former subordinates_.

"Cursed summoning, cursed Ahriman!" The Emperor of Mankind was waiting, somewhere, and Avenger couldn't even move from the temple's boundaries to fight him! "This is intolerable!"

"Shut up and keep your post," Caster replied, teleporting at his side. "While you are a colossal failure strategically speaking, you _are_ extremely powerful in close combat. So you are going to keep quiet and be a good gatekeeper."

"Ahriman, how dare you-" Caster showed him the Command Spells on his hand, causing Abaddon to shut up. Well, not completely. Something disturbed him, "Why did you call me _Failabaddon_?"

"Erebus nicknamed you _'Failabaddon the Harmless'_ after you _fucked up _the Thirteenth Black Crusade_!_ It became a popular form of slang among Chaos Space Marines when you bit the dust." Caster crossed his arms, "Since you lost Cadia, you deserve nothing else."

"This wasn't my fault! How could I know they would launch an _Exterminatus_ on Cadia when they learned I landed on the surface? Because of a _paperwork error_?" Abaddon complained, "And I still have the ruinous powers' favor!"

"Which is a perpetual mystery to me," Ahriman snorted. He briefly wondered if the Chaos Gods enjoyed seeing their followers fail, but kept his thoughts quiet. "Anyway, if Tzeetch had me summon you, since everything is always part of its plan, then you can be useful. I'm going to turn this temple into a sanctuary for Chaos, and when I am over with, the city will be overrun with Daemons. With luck I might find a way to send you after the Emperor."

"…and _your _Master…?" Abaddon stressed the word, belittling Ahriman as much as he could, since he couldn't rip the sorcerer apart.

"Kuzuki will make a nice Chaos Librarian," Caster replied, unfazed, "He has latent psychic powers which I hope to awaken and he has the discipline needed to control them. Mankind can't yet produce pure Psykers, but the humans of this era hold the seeds of the Forty Thousandth Millennium's sorcerers."

"I wonder how Magnus the Red would react to the news that you are rebuilding the Thousand Sons with inferior newbies," Abaddon spat venomously.

Caster's eyes shined briefly, turned around, and dropped a bomb. "I wonder how Horus would react to seeing his successor reduced to guard duty," Ahriman replied, "Let's hope that Failabaddon the Harmless will be a better gatekeeper than Warmaster."

The Despoiler cursed Caster in every language the galaxy had developed, before relenting. "Chaos Gods, ruinous powers," he prayed. "What did I do to deserve this humiliation?"

Tzeentch gave him a telepathic answer. "You _exist_."

* * *

_**Servant of the Day**_

**Spirit:** the Swarmlord, Champion of the Tyranid

**Class:** Assassin

**Master:** Kariya Matou

**Alignment:** True Neutral

**Strength:** A+

**Mana:** D

**Endurance:** A+

**Luck:** B

**Agility:** A+

**N. Phantasm:** EX

**Class skills:**

- Presence Concealment, C: suitable for spying and ambushes, but the Swarmlord can be noticed by any sufficiently perceptive or paranoid enemy.

**Personal skills:**

- Psychic Bond, A++: The Swarmlord possesses a psychic bond with its Master, allowing it to see through its Master's eyes, informing him of potential threats, and rushing in anytime he is threatened. Over time, the Swarmlord and its Master can achieve ultimate synchronization of will.

- Consumption, B: The Swarmlord can recover prana and regenerate by consuming organic material.

- Natural Body, C: Born with the perfect body, the Swarmlord gains a rank up in strength in battle situation.

- Mental Pollution, EX: The Swarmlord's mind and reasoning makes no sense to a non-Tyranid. Its Master can, however, understands its basic intents.

- Assimilation, A: The Swarmlord can assimilate the genetic material of what it consumes, allowing it to improve.

**Noble Phantasms:**

- Bone Sabers, A, Anti-Unit: bone blades charged with a disruptive power nullifying magical protections upon contact.

- Adaptation, A+++, Anti-Unit: the Swarmlord, when faced with a danger, automatically gains a B-ranked personal skill allowing him to deal with the specific threat. It would for example gain the Magic Resistance skill when facing a Psyker.

- Biomorph, EX, Anti-Unit: as the Tyranid, the Swarmlord can gain the abilities of any other Tyranid. Results are nearly limitless in results and possibilities.

**Description:**

Though the Tyranids have no concept of individuality, they _do_ have a concept of hero. The Swarmlord is a unique Tyranid deemed powerful enough to live on forever inside their Hive Mind. The Swarmlord terrorized the entire galaxy, fighting to the death and rising from the grave countless times. The Swarmlord was permanently destroyed when Trazyn the Infinite accidentally purged its memory from the Hive Mind in a failed attempt to collect the beast, but the Tyranids still remember their lost champion.

* * *

**A/N:** before you call the characters overpowered... they _are_. It's in the summary, in fact. I told you they all had one EX-ranked NP. You'll see why Assassin's is so dangerous later.

I keep Gil and the Emperor's confrontation for later. Humiliating the former never gets old. Like Lancer in Carnival Phantasm. "Gil got Trolled!" "Good!"

Rider didn't fight at full strength. He keeps most of his truly versatile NP for later. The black hole summoning is based on the story where he gives a black hole to a competitor to make an example.

The reason Archer's armor has a cockpit, missiles, and rockets is that a well known Mad Dok toyed with it. You'll be surprised by some equipment.

Would you kindly leave a review?


	6. Khorne in Leather Pants

Hey, long time no see! Well, you know the deal: thanks Slayer End for betaing and everyone who follows/reviews/favors this story.

* * *

_**Khorne in Leather Pants**_

Kotomine Kirei, as the overseer for both the Church and the Association, had the duty and responsibility to make certain the war for the Holy Grail would be kept secret from the public. When there was a problem, it was him who was contacted (and blamed) first.

So when the _pope _phoned him, one could guess Kotomine wasn't particularly happy.

After a very brief conversation (which was more accurately a mix of threats and anger management lessons) ended, Kotomine posed his cellphone and started eating his mapo tofu with inhuman serenity. When he noticed everyone else didn't touch their food and were, in fact, observing him, Kotomine shrugged helplessly, "I have bad and good news."

Shirou and Ilya exchanged a glance. Behind them, Saber and Berserker were helplessly glaring at each other, the effects of the Command Spells not having vanished. If they could, they would have gladly brawled again, but they couldn't lift a finger towards the other. "Begin with the bad, please," Shirou asked.

"The Church is sending a cardinal and a squad of executors to make things right, while the Association will send the queen of the high tower for the same purpose. In short, we will probably end like the Christ, nailed to a cross and starving to death."

"… And the good news?"

"Well, since they hate each other, with luck they will plot their mutual demise and leave us completely alone." Kotomine shrugged at the Masters' astonished expression, "That's the best outcome we can hope for."

"Fuck them!" Kharn roared, glaring at Ilya. "Remove the command and let me kill the Corpse-Emperor! You promised, remember? Khorne will be angry! _Angry_!"

"Khorne is always angry," the Emperor snorted, "It is a mass of woe and rage given a vaguely physical shape."

_The Emperor's vision of Khorne:_

"LET THE GALAXY BURN!" A demonic monster roared, wielding a weapon able to destroy entire solar systems. Obviously, he liked his boasting louder. "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE! BLOOOOOOOOD!"

"That's a total bastardization of Khorne!" Ilya complained, "The real Khorne is amazing!"

_Ilya's vision of Khorne:_

"I'll protect little girls because I'm an awesome warrior!" a knight in shining armor shouted happily, shooting rainbow beams from his eyes and his sword releasing sparkles. "And I love kittens! Oh, and if little girls kill people then I will be their loving dad instead of the one who left them alone with an abusive grandpa as only family!"

"So you see, Khorne is awesome!" Ilya chirped, upon leaving her fantasy and returning to reality. "And Berserker is even better!"

"I'm not entirely certain it works like that," the Emperor whispered, blaming the taint of Chaos for warping the girl's mind beyond repair.

"Look Ilya," Shirou coughed. "From what I've seen your Servant doesn't seem to be anything more than a killing machine."

"That's totally wrong! Berserker is like a pie!" Ilya grinned. "There is a bitter layer, and underneath, a softer one. Berserker is a lost puppy who can be healed with love and attention."

"You got it backwards. In a pie, the bitter layer is under the soft layer," Kotomine pointed out, which much to his amusement, messed with Ilya's logic and caused her to glare at the priest. He briefly wondered if he should summon Lancer to help, just in case. "Anyway, as the mediator and overseer of the war, I will declare a truce until the Association and the Church have been dealt with."

"No! When you follow Khorne you do not pussy out because of a truce!" Kharn complained loudly. "Let's just kill the visitors and be done with it!"

"If you keep fighting, the war might get canceled," Kotomine replied, "You won't get to enjoy it."

"It's sad, Berserker, but he's right," Ilya admitted pragmatically, "Don't worry, when we make sure the organizers let us fight, we're going to win handily!"

Shirou briefly shuddered, while the Emperor's eyes shined briefly. "As long as I live," he promised, "I will not let you even come close of touching the Grail."

Berserker and Saber exchanged glares, the temperature in the room dropping to zero. Kotomine briefly wondered if a fight would break out, until a familiar voice interrupted the scene.

"You impersonator!" Gilgamesh attracted everyone's attention, having traded his civilian clothes for his trademark golden armor. He glared at the Emperor. "I finally caught up to you."

Saber blinked briefly, remembering him as the idiot from earlier. "Who's that?" Ilya asked.

Kharn snorted, "One of the Corpse-Emperor's loony fans… a sensei, maybe."

Gilgamesh's eyes widened, "A loony fan?"

"Yeah, some crazy brotherhood thinking they're the Corpse-Emperor's sons," Kharn replied. "I've been told it was one of Tzeentch's sick pranks on the Imperium."

"Sons?" Shirou asked Saber.

"It's extremely complicated and confusing and I'd rather not talk about it," the Emperor admitted, before dismissing Gilgamesh with a demeaning hand sign. "Leave us, child. Adults have to work."

"Stop looking down on me!" Gilgamesh grit his teeth, opening the gate of Babylon, "I'm Gilgamesh, King of Heroes, the strongest Servant!"

There was a short silence, quickly broken by Kharn's laugher, "King of Heroes? Ahaha!" Berserker fell from his chair laughing. "What kind of title is that? King of Heroes he said…"

"What?" Gilgamesh complained.

"I mean, King of Heroes! It rhymes like King of _Zeroes_!"

Ilya, Shirou, and much to Gilgamesh's surprise, _Kotomine_, laughed at the lame joke. The Emperor however did not crack a smile. "You lack humility, I see…" he whispered, rising from his seat, "Shirou, you wanted to be a hero," he spoke softly, his Master nodding. "I will show you how it is done."

* * *

The family reunion was sickeningly sweet.

It took twenty minutes for Sakura to stop hugging her uncle, doubly so when she learned it was his Servant which killed Zouken. Rin was more reserved, but was still pleasantly surprised by Kariya's survival.

"… and this is how Assassin brought me back," Kariya finished his story, as the three Masters shared a tea party at a café. The owner had fled like no other upon seeing Assassin, leaving the Servants free to take over the place. Assassin was resting on the ground like a giant dog, while Rider and Archer were repairing their weaponry, exchanging glares.

After the cataclysmic battles that happened in the last few hours, Kariya guessed at this point discretion was a moot point.

Kariya had told them much of his story, from his role as Master of Berserker to his eventual rebirth. He however left out important elements, like the death of Aoi, as the event still shamed him.

"I'm so glad to see you back," Sakura whispered, washing away her tears. "You promised you would help me, and you did."

"Assassin did most of the work," Kariya admitted, "But now, I'm going to protect you."

"So we're all Masters…" Rin whispered. "This can't end well."

The trio exchanged worried glances. "All I wish for is to help you," Kariya explained. "Once the other Servants are neutralized, we can choose the winner among ourselves."

"If you could avoid hurting senpai," Sakura asked sheepishly. "I know he may be dense, but he is a good per-"

An explosion interrupted the conversation, as a wall of the café falling. The three Masters glanced at the source of the chaos, Archer's severed arm. "Dok!" he shouted at a smaller, green creature. "My arm got shot off!"

"Nah, it fled on its own!" the creature replied. "It left so I can put a canon in its place! My robotic is as good as my surgery, you'll see!"

"The hell?" Rin's eyes widened. "Archer, you can _reproduce_?"

"Yeah, I summoned my personal medic, Dok Grotsnik!" Archer laughed. "He's the Painboy which made me smarter than any Ork!"

"Which means dumber than a wall of bricks," Vect deadpanned, exchanging a glance with Sakura, "This is Mad Dok Grotsnik, the most deranged Ork in the galaxy, considered insane even by Ork standards. I doubt he even knows what he is doing."

"I know what I'm doing, but I'm learning what effects it will have!" The dok boasted. "I am the peak of _scientistic _knowledge!"

Rider stared blankly at the small creature, and snapped his fingers. A dark, ghoulish man appeared in a puff of smoke. "This is the Head of my Homunculus," Rider shot back. "This is the peak of science, you green moron."

The Dark Eldar spoke something in his native language, which Vect happily traduced. "He said, word for word: My science is crazier than yours."

"Ah yeah? I once opened a Daemon's head and put a bomb where the brain should have been!" Grotsnik boasted.

"He says he once replaced a human's legs with a tank, because he was bored," Rider replied softly.

"I turned a butterfly into a killing machine, with missiles!"

"He replaced a dove's wings with a rocket, and _then_ used it as a missile."

"Ah, easy, can he replace an Ork's eyes with laser beams and a heat vision?"

"He says he made them vulnerable to a green shining rock."

"Is it just me, or are the Servants of this war all completely insane?" Kariya pointed out, "The worst in the last war was Caster, and even _he_ made a degree of sense…" he thought for a moment, "Sort of."

"I guess this war's Servants are special, Uncle," Rin whispered, "I blame the problems with Archer on the missing part of his brain."

"Wait… Gork and Mork have an uncle?" Archer's eyes snapped open, as he glanced at Kariya, "Is your name _Dork_?"

* * *

_**Omake:**_

_**Saber Nurgle**_

When Shirou accidentally summoned a Servant, he summoned the strongest of them all. Zelretch, in another universe, had him summon the sickliest of them all instead.

Lancer quickly recognized the attacker, and wisely fled as fast as he could. Shirou, astonished, glanced at his savior, and experienced a supreme sentiment of disgust. The thing was a colossal, vaguely humanoid mass of rot, poison and flies, wielding a blade larger than a car. Each and every step of it shook the ground, and its mouth was dripping with venom.

"Nurgle loves you!" The Great Unclean One declared with the greatest, most candid joy in the universe, as he hugged Shirou. "Papa will protect you now!"

The next day: Shirou caught the flu. A _terrible_ flu.

It took three days for the Great Unclean One, Avatar of the Chaos God Nurgle, lord of decay and rot, to win the Grail War.

Assassin was the first to fall. It foolishly attempted to kill Shirou while he was going to school in spite of a fever. Saber had summoned miniature versions of himself, the Nurglings, to help his Master. The creatures accomplished the mission with joy and ate the Tyranid alive.

Archer attempted to kill Saber in public. Not only did he discover while Orks _could_ feel pain after being hit with a nasty poison, Nurgle _didn't_, but he also discovered a Servant could suffer a deadly cancer after a mere contact with the Great Unclean One. Archer died a day later.

Berserker attempted to kill Shirou at night, and during the fight with Saber, accidentally stomped on a Nurgling, killing it on the spot. Saber's skin instantly went from green to red.

"You hurt my child!" The Great Unclean One's strength stat skyrocketed. "I'm gonna kill you!"

On this day, when ripped in half by a pissed demonic grandpa, Berserker discovered he wasn't the only Servant with the Mad Enhancement skill around.

Rider and Lancer formed a temporary team-up to get rid of Saber, with Gilgamesh deciding to give them support after he and half the city caught one hell of a nasty pox. They died of a nastier plague one day later.

Caster wisely decided to commit suicide rather than confront Nurgle directly. After all, he stood no chance and preferred death over becoming a formless mass of tumors. Tzeentch was extremely pissed, but Ahriman was more afraid of Nurgle than his own patron deity.

Like a deluded Santa Claus, Santa Nurgle used his wish to give people his personal version of Christmas. In this case, he gave an awful case of diarrhea to everybody on the planet. Saber managed to stay in the mortal plan, fueled by the prayers of all the people wishing to get better.

In the end, half of Fuyuki had died of various diseases, and Shirou mourned his dead friends for days. "I'm not a superhero, I'm a superzero," he complained, his body having undergone horrible, but strangely comfortable mutations.

Nurgle, in his great kindness, cheerfully gave him great wisdom, "I can make you a superhero," he promised.

Days later, a mysterious superhero, the Poxmaster, and his demonic partner started helping the people of Japan. The crime rate dropped heavily when criminals realized the Poxmaster's superpower was to give them leprosy and brain tumors.

Shirou and Nurgle lived sickly and happily ever after, becoming the bane of hospitals everywhere.

The end.

* * *

**A/N:** yeah, I couldn't help but parody the infamous 'Draco in Leather Pants' syndrome (or Sepiroth complex, as I call it). And seriously, Nurgle being summoned would be total overkill.

Next chapter will deal with the long awaited Gil/Emperor confrontation (and Shirou's reaction to it) and the tentative of the war's organizers to (desperately) cover it.

By the way, if you don't review, Nurgle will give you leprosy. If you do review, you'll get a flu. Think wisely.


	7. King of Heroes

_**IMPORTANT:**_ for those who don't read Echoes, then let me explain why there hasn't been any update for a while: my mother was diagnosed with cancer and I've spent most of my free time helping her instead of focusing on my stories. As such, the next chapter will take quite a time to come out. I hope you understand.

Thanks Slayer End for betaing.

* * *

**King of Heroes**

Lorelei, dreaded queen of the High Tower, stood at the side of a cardinal of the Church – whose name she didn't bother to memorize – in perfect stillness and silence.

She was pissed beyond words.

She and the cardinal dispatched by the Church had agreed to meet in London before dealing with the situation in Fuyuki so they could discuss whether or not they would have to terminate the city to keep the war quiet. The discussion had quickly devolved into a blaming contest with the cardinal blaming the association for having let the Grail war degenerate and Lorelei replying it was _their _mediator which had failed at keeping the war a secret. "Then, in the end, who's responsible?" the Cardinal had dryly concluded.

Then a familiar wizard had teleported in front of them, a smirk on the face, "That would be… me!"

After Zelretch, the infamous Wizard Marshall, had finished his explanations, Lorelei was enraged. What angered her more was that she didn't have the power to punish the magician herself.

"Let me get this straight," the Cardinal intertwined his fingers, "You altered the Grail and removed its limiters so it would summon the most powerful Heroic Spirits contained in the Throne of Heroes, without the help of catalysts, possibly putting the secrecy of magecraft, or worse, the entire world, in danger… _out __of __boredom_?"

"Well, if _you _had nearly limitless magical powers and were bored, what would you do?" Zel shrugged. "With great power comes great eccentricity."

If the Cardinal's seething anger was of any indication, he would have had the man crucified on the spot… if the man in question wasn't powerful enough to defeat demigods. "And how do you expect us to keep the war quiet, may I ask?" the holy man asked.

"Well, since I realized I might have gone a little too far this time…" Zel smirked at Lorelei's glare. "I have contacted a pretty affable individual, a smart fellow called Tzeentch, who has found a believable cover-up."

"Blame it on military experiments?" Lorelei suggested, as it was how they had covered up the Third War.

"No…" Zel coughed, as if he was about to reveal a metaphysical truth. "Blame it on aliens."

The temperature dropped heavily, both Lorelei and the Cardinal glaring at the wizard.

"Hey, half of the Servants _are _aliens. Believe me, after they opened a black hole and brawled with buildings, it will almost sound reasonable."

* * *

As he escalated the stairs toward Fuyuki's temple, Lancer wondered what his Master was doing.

He had left the priest and Gilgamesh alone when he had noticed the peak of Warp energy coming from the place. Lancer had informed Kotomine through their link, who then replied he was already occupied. When the Necron told him it was probably Caster's doing, the priest told him to investigate. He would capture Caster if it was possible, or retreat after gathering enough information.

Lancer was quite excited at the possibility of adding Ahriman the Black to his collection, especially since in the last moments of his life he had managed to access the fabled Black Library. What kind of secrets had the man accumulated during his lifetime? The Necron would find great pleasure in extracting all knowledge from the sorcerer's brain and then storing it.

He was, however, slightly disturbed by the chaotic energy released by the temple. Caster was probably trying to summon a powerful demon or open a portal into the Warp. As a soulless entity, Trazyn found it distasteful.

Chaos corrupted all, and Necrons valued order in its purest form. Chaos was an anathema.

When he reached the temple's gates, Trazyn readied his staff._ How interesting, _he thought upon recognizing his newest opponent, _It appears Ahriman managed to surpass the limitations of the Grail._

"Well, well… look at who's asking for death today!" Abaddon the Despoiler grinned sadistically, guarding the temple's gates. He raised his sword, red monsters materializing around him. "Forces of Chaos, _attack_! Turn this machine into scrap!"

* * *

As the Emperor of Mankind examined his newest opponent, he was far from impressed. _A fool with an absurd ego, _he concluded_. And a jester in gold._

The group had moved outside the city, in the forest, at Kotomine Kirei's insistence. The corrupted priest – Saber had detected an unknown, strange taint in the man's heart – had argued there had been enough property damage already and the Emperor had seen the wisdom in those words.

"I wonder if it will be an epic battle," Ilya whispered with a giggle, before smiling at Shirou. "You think your Servant will win?"

"Ah… yes, I think he will." Shirou scratched the back of his head. Truth to be told, he wondered how his Servant would do. This Gilgamesh looked tough.

"Bah, the Corpse-Emperor mind-fucked Warmaster Horus himself," Kharn argued, "He'll do the same with this loser."

Gilgamesh struggled against the urge to vaporize this insolent larva on the spot, only refusing as he was fascinated by Saber. The man radiated with power and majesty. Of course, the Babylonian hero would crush him all the same, but he was slightly intrigued by this thief.

"Well…" Kotomine coughed. "I guess you can go all out. Try not to destroy Japan, if possible. I will have troubles hiding the war after that."

"Before we start, I have questions to ask you." Saber crossed his arms. "Why do you call yourself King of Heroes? And why do you want the Grail?"

Gilgamesh raised an eyebrow, before smirking. "Since those will be your last words, I guess I can enlighten you." He put a hand over his heart. "I do not call myself King of Heroes. I _am_ the King of Heroes. I am Gilgamesh, ruler of Babylon, the first hero. All of you are mere copycats."

To say Saber was an ancient being was an understatement. He was so old he had trouble remembering half his life. Yet, focusing on nearly forgotten memories, he remembered the city of Babylon, brought down by its own hubris and madness. Although he had never met Gilgamesh in person, he did hear of him… and not in a good way.

"As for the Grail, I do not want it, I _own_ it. As ruler of the world, it belongs to me by right. With it, I will bring back value into this trash you call a planet by destroying those unworthy of my rule. Mankind doesn't deserve me right now."

Gilgamesh, with these words, succeeded in angering the Emperor.

Everyone felt it. An oppressive aura of sheer, wrathful power that nearly brought the humans present to their knees and more than slightly disturbed the Servants. Well, Berserker seemed more excited than anything, but Shirou himself was paralyzed by the Emperor's mere anger.

"You regard the world as your plaything," Saber hissed, "Mankind is a toy to you. You disgust me."

Gilgamesh briefly paled, before his ego won out. "Shut up!" he said, opening the Gate of Babylon and launching nearly his entire arsenal at the golden swordsman. "You're just a faker, unworthy of calling yourself Saber!"

It was over. Hundreds of swords, blades, maces, shields and spears would tear Saber apart. There was no way-

The weapons stopped within an inch of the Emperor's face.

Gilgamesh blinked. The weapons were paralyzed, unable to move, floating in the airs. "A grand collection," Saber commented, "Such a shame I'll be destroying it."

And like that, the weapons turned into dust.

Truth to be told, they didn't exactly_ 'turn to dust'_. They were ripped apart molecule by molecule by tremendous psychic powers, their very essence broken, the metal annihilated. Methodically, the Emperor's mind pushed on every weakness, every weak point of the weapons, focusing his entire will into the task of destroying them.

Even the stoic Kotomine Kirei was left speechless.

Gilgamesh glanced at the remains of his weapons, then at Emperor. Finally, he became as pale as a ghost and blabbered words in his old native language.

"You said you were the first hero," Saber declared, "You are wrong. I have walked Earth for eons. I was old when mankind was still hiding in caves. Even this era had heroes, brave men killing beasts not with legendary blades, but with sticks and stones. If you think your age means the world belongs to you, then let me enlighten you: to me, you are a babe fresh from kindergarten."

"B-but…" Gilgamesh frowned. It had to be a trick. "How… no magic could do that… several of these weapons were even anti-magic…"

"They could rip apart enchantments easily, yes, but psychic powers, the purest, strongest form of sorcery in the world, is not so easily defeated. To bend the world to your will, to rewrite the rules of the universe instead of working within them, that is the true meaning of magic." Saber inhaled sharply. "As I said, I have walked the world for eons. These weapons, I have seen every single one of them. In fact, I _made_ more than a few. I know their strength… and their weaknesses."

Saber then summoned Imperial Truth. "Let's see if you can do the same."

Gilgamesh was, for the first time in his entire existence, afraid of dying.

He had defeated ancient beasts, defied the gods, and only old age had managed to beat him. Yet at this very instant, he knew he _would _die if he did not fight seriously. "Enkidu!" Gilgamesh shouted, the golden chains swirling around Saber's limbs, restraining him. "These chains can bind even gods!"

"How lucky I am no god then," Saber replied, although he struggled slightly to get rid of them. Yet, they were nothing compared to the sheer agony of the Golden Throne. "A man does not need chains to bind a god, only his willpower!"

And with these words, Saber broke free, Enkidu shattering, and the swordsman started walking toward Gilgamesh, raising his blade.

"No… No! Wait, stay away…!" Gilgamesh opened the Gate of Babylon, and took Ea out of it, his survival instinct having overwhelmed his bruised ego. "Enuma-"

Saber didn't even let him raise his weapon. With a powerful swing of Imperial Truth, he sent Ea to fly away, before kicking Gilgamesh. The sheer power of the blow propelled the horrified king to his back.

"You wield your blade like an amateur, with neither skill nor speed," Saber said blankly, summoning a hole in space and teleporting Ea in the coldest plain of Antarctica, "Then again, you never needed skill, am I wrong? Your weapons were enough to win for you. You are just a kid with toys far too powerful to handle."

He effortlessly grabbed Gilgamesh's throat and lifted him above the ground. The golden king attempted to fight back by kicking his opponent's chest, a futile effort in face of overwhelming odds.

"In the grim future of mankind, the weak is broken by madness and violence. An endless war that lasted for millenniums has shattered the very idea of peace, and life itself struggles to survive. I have fought a machine god which would have fed on the _sun_ had it not been stopped. From my dreaded throne, I have seen a warrior defeating two armies with a _flamethrower_. I have seen a despoiler of worlds unleash _hell itself _upon the galaxy. I have seen aliens whose power you cannot even _begin_ to imagine, and humans whose deeds you will never come close to _equaling_. As terrifying as it sounds to your arrogant mind, while you may be the strongest man of this era… you are _an average soldier _by the standards of the Fortieth Millennium."

Focusing on Gilgamesh's mind, the Emperor built up his impressive psychic powers.

"Be it in the Fortieth Millennium or ancient times, true heroes do not look forward to their own pleasure, or to see which of them has the better claim to the world. They seek to do something meaningful, to fight for ideals greater than their person. The Throne of Heroes does not deserve its name. Anyone, no matter how black their heart, can ascend to it with enough fame or infamy. Being _renowned _is not the same as being _heroic_. I do not believe anyone deserves the title of King of Heroes, and if someone does, then it certainly is not you."

Linking his mind to Gilgamesh's, the Emperor showed him the Fortieth Millennium.

The Golden king screamed. He saw the denizens of the galaxy, from the dread Chaos Gods to the cruel C'tan. From the lowest inquisitor to the largest Tyranid Hive Fleet, from the most ferocious Ork Warboss to the wisest Eldar seer… he saw the Horus Heresy, the wars of Armageddon, the Black Crusades, and countless conflicts. He saw _everything_.

In the end, Gilgamesh was left catatonic by the experience, and Saber tossed him to the ground. Hopefully, he would learn a lesson out of it. Turning around, the Emperor glanced at the spectators. While Ilya was shocked, Kotomine trapped in an expression of morbid fascination, and Berserker excited like a predator facing an appetizing meal, Shirou was in a sort of trance – a mix of worship and admiration.

The same emotion he once saw in the eyes of Lorgar.

The Emperor quickly banished these memories from his mind and regained his composure. "Shirou, let's go-"

Saber blinked, as his Master knelt at his feet.

"Please teach me!" Shirou implored. "Teach me how to be a hero!"

* * *

_**Omake:**_

_**Berserker Yarrick**_

_**The Terminatork**_

When Ilya summoned Berserker, she doubted he would make a good servant.

An old man wearing a strange outfit and an even stranger hat, Berserker's left eye and right hand had been replaced by a mechanical component and a giant claw respectively. The Mad Enhancement had twisted his face into a frothing mass of rage and woe, unable to speak or think.

Yet, in spite of the Mad Enhancement, he started talking in broken, inhuman sentences.

"**Mission: destroy all Ork life in the galaxy, past, present, and future!" **His robotic eye shined with red light.** "Probability of mission hindrance: **_**zero percent**_**!"**

* * *

"And that's how the Terminatork was born!" a cultist of Khorne told the rest of his Warband. "Fueled by the power of the Mad Enhancement, the ghost of Commissar Yarrick rose from the grave, with the power to shoot Ork from miles away with a laser of doom! He started destroying anything green in his path, thinking it was an Ork in disguise!"

"But what happened when he met the Warboss?" one of the soldiers asked. "Did they fight!"

"Of course they fought! Thraka jumped on his feet the second he felt his Yarrick sense tingling."

"… Yarrick sense?"

"Like a kind of radar that activates when Yarrick is nearby. Hey, it's an _Ork thing_; don't ask me how that works. Anyway, he sent armies of Orks at the Terminatork, and they couldn't even slow it down. In the end, they met in the middle of a street whose name I forgot..."

* * *

"YARRICK! You're back!" Archer shouted happily, as the Terminatork entered his field of vision. "I thought you were dead! I missed you so much!"

"**Death is for the heretic and ORKS!" **Berserker raised his claw. **"I live to kill you!"**

"Ha ha! I waited for so long to fight you again! I'm happy to see your relationship works both ways!" Archer raised his fists. "Let's fight until we're both sweating on the ground!"

"**BOW BEFORE THE EMPEROR!" **The Terminatork replied, unleashing a laser beam at his opponent.

* * *

"Afterward they started throwing buildings at the other," the Khorne worshipper continued. "Three days later, the city laid in ruin. The Terminatork killed Thraka, and then vowed after he killed all Ork life in the galaxy, he would kill himself so he could murder Thraka _again_ in the afterlife. He wasn't kidding."

"Wow, that's pretty hardcore," a Chaos Space Marine commented. "May Khorne bless his soul and welcome him in his realm!"

"Wait a minute…" Another Chaos Space Marine raised his hand. "Did they really say 'I live to kill you'? And 'Let's fight until we're both sweating on the ground'? And did Thraka _really_ have a Yarrick detecting sixth sense?"

"Yep."

"I don't know, don't you think it sounds a little… gay?"

The berserker briefly thought about it, before finding an explanation. "That's an Ork thing."

"That's an Ork thing," the rest of the Warband nodded, wisely deciding not to debate the power of Ork logic.

* * *

**A/N: **some might be surprised Gil went down so easily, but let me justify it: one, Gilgamesh doesn't have skill. His entire fighting style resolves around spamming swords or using Enkidu/Ea when cornered. In canon, any time he was confronted by someone who could counter his toys (Archer/Shirou and the Shadow), he lost, badly. Second, he angered the Emperor. Last time the Emperor was angered, he killed Horus, a genetically enhanced juggernaut wielding the power of four evil deities all at once. While dying.

Anyway, next chap will deal with the fallout of the fight and the Avenger/Lancer duel. But as I said before the chap, don't expect an update before some time.

Would you kindly review?


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